Losing your faith is not "brave"

Do you know what really chaps my khakis?

When people writing touching blog posts to tell the world how they so bravely lost their faith and left the church that was holding their minds captive.

What a load of horseshit, people.

That is not brave. Letting doubt overcome is not brave. They're all idiots. IDIOTS.

Now, I am not saying that the LDS Church or any church is worth staying in. I am not saying that you can't lose your faith/trust/belief in a church (a manmade entity). But to lose your FAITH. Like the actual thing that is inside of you and makes your life purposeful.

It seems pretty darn clear to me that God doesn't care what "church" you are baptized in or attend every Sunday. He is far more concerned with what "church" you are a member of in your heart.

53 And who overcome by faith, and are sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise, which the Father sheds forth upon all those who are just and true.

54 They are they who are the church of the Firstborn.

So when you lose that faith that God gave you because you let doubt overpower everything else, you are not brave. You didn't come out of a brainwashed stupor. You were weak and did not rely on God to lift you. You let that manmade entity destroy you. *claps* Good work, soldier.

Good thing God is merciful and we get to do this over and over again until we get it right.

I feel like

someone I don't know.

I feel like someone I never wanted to become.
I feel like I'm drowning in the world.
Drowning in my own tears that never stop.
I feel like I am suffocating on the world and the sadness and the despair.
Suffocating on the horrible words and thoughts that I have.
I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore.
I feel like I am out of control. I don't even have any say in the actions I take.
I feel like a monster.
I feel like in the place that I am, I will never be able to go back.
I feel like I am ignoring the things that should be taking up the most time in my heart and mind.
I feel so selfish but don't know how to stop.
I feel so lost.
I feel like I need to get lost to find where I need to be.
I feel like I can't hear.
I feel like someone who says the wrong thing 100% of the time.
I feel like I make it impossible to love me.
I feel like rock bottom isn't low enough.



I wrote this a couple months ago.

I am absolutely fed up

Hear that? I am absolutely fed up. Maybe more just heartbroken, frustrated and discouraged. Maybe those are better words to describe what I am.

With every passing second our world becomes a less stable, accepting, loving, safe place. How many days have passed since the last mass shooting? Zero. 0. None. That's how many. Do we need to start counting in minutes? How pathetic. Where did our conflict resolution skills go?

What has happened? Why do we trust our leaders less now than before?

So what we have a shit president? What happened to Power to the People? Why haven't we done anything about it? Why can't we do anything about it? What happened to the days where when things were going wrong we could change them as a team, a country?

Why do we trust one another less now than before?

What has happened? Why are we so entitled and selfish and dangerously unaware of those around us and yet so willing to offer our commentary on others?

When did it become acceptable for people to expect things they have neither earned nor deserve? How did it happen?

When did we begin to need validation from individuals we see only once yearly?

When did our sense of worth move from what our parents, teachers, mentors, God and we ourselves thought of us to what acquaintance, stranger, random person you'll never meet thinks of us?

When did we stop respecting our elders? At the rate we are going at the least they can say they didn't singlehandedly destroy all of humanity in a single generation. 

When did some other country's citizens become more important than the men and women who are responsible for this country's freedom?

When did we get so spineless? Why can we not stand up for what we believe without some entitled cretin claiming some PC card?  When did differing opinions become "hate" instead of growth? Get a hold of yourselves, you ignorant swine. 

Why does Dr. Everett Piper, President of Oklahoma Wesleyan University, have to write a blogpost like this?

"This past week, I actually had a student come forward after a university chapel service and complain because he felt “victimized” by a sermon on the topic of 1 Corinthians 13. It appears this young scholar felt offended because a homily on love made him feel bad for not showing love. In his mind, the speaker was wrong for making him, and his peers, feel uncomfortable.

I’m not making this up. Our culture has actually taught our kids to be this self-absorbed and narcissistic. Any time their feelings are hurt, they are the victims. Anyone who dares challenge them and, thus, makes them “feel bad” about themselves, is a “hater,” a “bigot,” an “oppressor,” and a “victimizer.”"

Because we are weak, entitled, selfish, arrogant, ignorant. That is a lethal combination of characteristics. It is despicable. We are a despicable people. We are hateful. We are selfish. We are close minded. We have lost so many valuable lessons from humanity like hard work and unity, conflict resolution, not being an ass to name a few. We are individualistic to a fault. We are judgmental to the worst degree. It is no wonder society is literally crumbling before us all with more hatred and division than ever. What else would anyone expect when we ignore people in need, when non procreating couples are wedded, when we care about no one but ourselves, when the safety, health and wellbeing of our own citizens is put far down on the to do list? What else can you possibly expect?

As of yet I have no idea what I am supposed to do about it all. Seems like a hefty task. But the first step is recognizing you have a problem, right? That's more than millions of entitled little freaks have done. 

Dear Sir,

Dear Sir,

I am sorry. I am sorry for whatever circumstances lead you to this place. I am sorry for the infinite decisions that brought you to this one. I am sorry for the way you have lived your life. I am sorry if someone took away your agency and you could not gain it back. I am sorry for the way your life has played out.

How did it make sense? How could this fulfill the dreams you had for yourself? How could you remove so many good things from this earth in such as short time? How do you feel now? Do you just not think about it? How else could you proceed with the things you have planned to do? Where are your parents?

Do you even know the man whose bidding you are doing? Do you know those you serve with? Do you feel kinship? Do you know the rewards or consequences you will receive because of your actions? Do you understand anything of this? Didn't you have an infinite number of alternatives?

What is the appeal? What draws you to this life? What makes this worth it? Do you know you are rewriting the history books? Do you know you are creating national holidays? Do you know the men and women who feel your wrath? I don't understand, Sir.

I do understand this though. When your time comes to leave this life, you will meet your Maker. You will have to account for the infinite decisions you made. I am sure not all of them will bring your damnation. You can't have been that lost, Sir. But, some will bring your damnation and you will have to carry that burden until you are given another chance. Like others felt your wrath, you will feel the wrath of your Maker who had such hopes for you. Hopes of creation and lifting, not destruction and decay. You will meet those who felt your wrath while you had your agency and you will listen to their stories. You will listen to the experiences you forced upon them and you will carry that burden until you are given another chance.

Sir, it wasn't worth it,

Me

Ignorance

People who don't know make me sad

UpsideDownBackWards

Baldness where there should be hair.
Blank stares where there should be engaged eyes.
Blankets and long sleeves where there should be shorts and T-shirts.
Chaos where there should be peace.
Confusion where there should be clarity.
Death where there should be life.

Doors where there should be doorways.

Fear where there should be faith.
Feet where there should be inches.
Frowns where there should be smiles.
Gums where there should be teeth.
Hair where there should be baldness.
Holes and gaps where there should be wholes.
Inches where there should be centimeters.
Lies where there should be truth.
Life where there should be death.
Locks where there should be unrestricted access.
Messes where there should be clean.
No where there should be Yes.
Questions where there should be answers.
Sadness where there should be joy.
Truth where there should be lies.
Uncertainty where there should be confidence.
Wheels where there should be feet.
Wrinkles where there should be smooth.
? when there should be ..

Most things are shit

**THIS CONTAINS GRAPHIC THINGS SO DON'T BE SEARCHING IF YOU CAN'T HANLDE IT**


Lately, I have realized that most things nowadays are shit.


End of story. But since that is not a good blog post, I will elaborate.



O I L S P I L L S are shit.

I S I S is shit.

P R I S O N S are shit.

L E A D E R S are shit.

C A M P U S R A P E is shit.

C H I L D S O L D I E R S are shit.

M U R D E R is shit.

R E L I G I O N is shit.

F O O D is shit.

S C H O O L S are shit.

M U S I C is shit.









BUT -


I believe in magic
I believe that one day
or maybe even today

we                    can

see

God's Grandeur.

The world is charged with the grandeur of God.

    It will flame out, like shining from shook foil;

    It gathers to a greatness, like the ooze of oil

Crushed. Why do men then now not reck his rod?

Generations have trod, have trod, have trod;

    And all is seared with trade; bleared, smeared with toil;

    And wears man's smudge and shares man's smell: the soil

Is bare now, nor can foot feel, being shod.

And for all this, nature is never spent;

    There lives the dearest freshness deep down things;

And though the last lights off the black West went

    Oh, morning, at the brown brink eastward, springs —

Because the Holy Ghost over the bent

    World broods with warm breast and with ah! bright wings.

-Hopkins

I'm glad I have worked my life out thus far

First: There but for the grace of God go I.

Second. I am glad I have ambition and desires in life. I am thankful I wasn't married and having babies beginning before my second year of college. I am thankful I am the way I am.

Don't be in a hurry

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2010/06/dont-be-in-a-hurry?lang=eng

My Newfound Mission in Life

So I recently got on the Humane Society of Utah's website and saw my beautiful Blue listed again. What does that mean? It means that someone adopted her and after a month or so was unhappy with her and brought her back. I honest to goodness shed tears over that. At work. Luckily I was alone at the time.

That made me so unbelievably sad I almost couldn't even handle it. I was ready to go get in my car and pick her up right then despite the destruction she caused. I didn't even care because she needs someone who loves her and who knows her. Luckily I do not have myopia (shout out to my eighth graders who have that word on their vocabulary quiz today!) and I did not do that. I currently do not have the resources to provide a life for her that would make her (and me) happy. But I did decide to do something.

I have this dream of living on a huge piece of land with a garden and animals and basically homesteading like in Dr. Quinn. (HAHAHA). That kind of a life would be wonderful for dogs like Blue. So into that dream, I incorporated and made room for dogs like Blue and the elderly dogs at the Humane Society of Utah that will most likely die there because people don't generally want to adopt a dog with less than 3 years left on this earth.

I want to be a place where those doggies can die in a home with love and snuggles and love and a family and love. I want my kids to have the responsibility of taking care of an animal that (more or less) needs them. I want them to have the experience of death of a (furry) loved one and go through the loss and learn from it. Learn that when a family can be together forever, it includes your furry, feathery, four legged, winged, and tailed family members too. I want to be a home to the dogs who end up in the HS or shelter multiple times because people are irresponsible.

I would also like you guys to help me. I don't care where you are or what your life is like. 7 times out of 10 you can and should get a dog. Check back for all the reasons why you should adopt a dog from the Humane Society or Shelter in your area and help me out with this dream of mine because as much as I would like to, I will never be able to be a home for all the dogs out there who need a family.



**I'll get to fostering kids later ;)**

What I want:

I want my life to be full of color. I want the brightest colors to light my path. I want a green door and a yellow mailbox. I want my lamp to have a purple light bulb. I want music to push me around. I want the notes to urge my steps, helping me do the dishes and vacuum the halls.  I want the notes to come from the artists and from me. I want music always whispering to me, “Dance. Sing.”

I want a treehouse with a bookshelf and a two-person sleeping bag. I want a lantern to light the words on the page. I want books. Real books. Not a tablet with ePages and ePapercuts. I want REAL papercuts. I want to read poetry and hate it. I want a rope ladder to climb into my treehouse. I want to have sleepovers in that treehouse with my family, my kids, my grandkids. I want to have dogs that we pull up into the treehouse in a basket pulley-system.

I want to observe people. I want to come closer to the truth about us all, about human nature. Nature? Nurture? Does it matter? I want to befriend the elderly, the homeless. I want to ask them about their scars and hear their stories. I want to talk to and understand millions. I want their lives to change me. I want to change. I want to listen more than talk. I already know that.

I want my life to be present in my bones. I want you to be able to say, “She loved riding horses and playing lacrosse. She loved eating peanut butter. She loved playing basketball, look at that finger. She hated the cold and the hot but lived through both. She did not like seafood. She wrote. A lot. A blog maybe? She got migraines too. ”

I want to believe in angels and demons and ghosts and fairies and Peter Pan and Neverland. I want to reread Harry Potter every year with my family. I want them to believe in it. Put their hearts in it. I want to knock on wood and change paths when I see a black cat. I want to believe in reincarnation and talking animals.

I want to get mad and say mean things about people. I want to mean those things but have it not even matter. I want to hate things about people but love them unconditionally anyways. I want to be able to cry…hard and then get up the next morning and make others smile.

I want to never experience -45 degrees again. I want to remember Wyoming with fondness and a little pity and awe. I want to hate football and not care because others love it and I can share with them.

I want to go the extra mile but have it go unnoticed. I want to create light and life. I want to have nothing left at the end of my life. I want to die at 73. 75 at the latest unless there is something greater here than what awaits us all. I want to be sure in this life and not wait until the next. I want to hear, “Well done thou good and faithful servant.”

I want to not give a damn and I want people to not care that I don’t care. I don’t care. Stop caring. Let me have my purple lights, green door and yellow mailbox. I want people to mind their own business but notice when someone needs a hand. These are a few of the things I want.

Gratitude

Do you ever take a step back and just look at your life? At your past and present and just realize how thankful you are? For the most random things?

That is happening to me right now. I mean today sucked...first day back from spring break - kill me now - maybe that is why this gratitude is hitting me so hard right now.

• I am thankful I am in Laramie, Wyoming
• I am thankful I am studying anthropology
• I am thankful this is my last full semester of undergrad
• I am thankful for my family and the crazies they are
• I am thankful for past relationships that are no longer - they "growed" me real good and without them I wouldn't be who I am now or have what I have now
• I am thankful that those from my past are happy and growing too because even though it didn't last with us, someone deserved to have them and they deserved someone who made them happy and whole
• I am thankful for my past. Period.
• I am thankful for my now - that I can be a freak with him and not worry because I know he can accept me the way I am even though those from my past couldn't do that without reservations

• I am thankful for new friends who I feel like I have known all my life even though it has only been a very short time
• I am thankful that I have no idea what to do with myself but don't care
• I am thankful that plans change - and people change too
• I am thankful for the glory of sports

• I am thankful I get summer this year for the first time since Summer 2011
• I am thankful that it is my job and I get paid to share my talents
• I am thankful I could have a dog that left such a huge gaping hole in my life when he died

• I am thankful I could become a flaming redhead because I love being a redhead #redhairdon'tcare
• I am thankful for the opportunity to create even if it is something as stupid as a snapchat drawing

Check it. What are you guys thankful for?

Firepits, Frozen, and Flames - Part 11

Since they were all starting school the next week, her family decided to go to The Little America for brunch on Sunday. (Ha, Sunday Brunch with the family - so sophisticated).

She was looking for a good opportunity to casually mention that they decided they were dating and going to do long distance.

Do I just throw it in there? Like this, "I am so excited to eat! We decided we are going to date and do long distance for the next year of our lives. I think I will eat the crepes first!" OR do I wait for it to come up...?

"So what's up with you guys?" her dad asked casually.

Guess that answers that question...

"So...." Just say it! Just say it! "....yeah"

She looked at one of her little sisters in the backseat since she had told her yesterday. Her sister shrugged her shoulders...

"Well yeah, so....we are dating." She cringed waiting for the reaction.

"WHAT?! WHY?! You don't even know him!"

Well this is going pretty much how I expected. That's comforting.

"Yeah...so mmhmmm."

Her siblings piped up with, "It's not that big of a deal" and "I'm pretty sure they've spent enough time together in the last two days that they have some idea." She was so thankful she didn't have to go up against them.

They discussed it for a few minutes more and then got to the restaurant. As they sat down, her mother said to her, "You know were are just giving you a hard time. We don't really care one way or another."

That was a great sign...

Firepits, Frozen, and Flames - Part 10

They were in the movie Frozen. She had already seen it once with her sister Regan before Christmas but it was so incredible she would have gone to it 16 more times.

It had been about 34 hours since they had met, but felt more like 34 lifetimes. They, thick as thieves, sat in the theater watching the movie.

Hmm...this is great. Although now that I think about it, this movie sort of points a microscope at us. The whole "You can't marry someone you just met" thing...I mean, we aint getting married, but we did decide last night we were going to date and do long distance. Same difference really....awkward...and his name is Kristoff....coincidence? I think not....HA!

She tried her best not to sing along to all of the songs she already knew by heart, but failed at some points.

Ugh I hate people like me in the theater. SHUT UP ALREADY. This is probably the first time these people have seen this movie so let them enjoy it you waif! ...I need to stop using the word waif...

Ana was saying, "I got engaged but then she freaked out because I'd only just met him..." and they had a good little chuckle. 

She leaned over and whispered in his ear, "Remember when I didn't know you....yesterday?" They laughed.

It came to the part in the movie where the grandpa troll tells Kristoff that only an act of true love will thaw Ana's frozen heart. Kristoff then says he needs to get her back to Prince Hans and Olaf asks why but realizes Kristoff is thinking of "a true love's kiss!"

At "true love's kiss" he turned, looked at her, leaned over and kissed her.

shutupShutUpSHUTUP. Who is this guy? Is he for real? That just happened. *Gag from the immense amount of cheese* *Swoon* ohmanOhManOHMAN...watch the movie...watch the movie....watch the movie....what the??? HA! That just happened! This guy's great!!

Firepits, Frozen, and Flames - Part 9

They had been together since just after she dyed her hair red that morning. She was looking pretty good as a redhead if this narrator may say so herself. They hung out with her family, played the piano and guitar *swoon*. Since they had missed going to Frozen the day before, they had decided to go today. The movie wasn't for a little bit so they had some time to kill.

They took Rocket on a walk through the neighborhoods for a while.

Freak, this is awesome. I am so at peace right now. I could do this forever. I've never felt very strongly about having a dog when I am older but this right here makes me think otherwise...I could do this forever.

They walked and talked or walked in silence. It was chilly, but not too bad. Rocket weaved back and forth, marking everything he could. He may have even gotten someone's shoe. Rocket was never a very good walking dog. Occasionally he would wind himself up in the leash or wrap it around her legs. But it was great.

"I didn't really have any idea why I was supposed to come back home up until now. I think I might have an idea now."

"Oh?" she asked.

"Yeah, things are sort of becoming clearer."

"Why do you think?" she asked although she was pretty sure she knew the answer since she had been thinking the same thing for some time now.

"I'll let you figure it out," he replied.

shutupShutUpSHUTUP. This is totally what I have been thinking, but then I was like, "no. stop flattering yourself." but then I was like, "HA! who am I kidding?" But like if that is what he is thinking too....Holy crap holy crap holy crap

"I just have no idea what it could be," she feigned ignorance.

"I'll give you some time to figure it out."

Firepits, Frozen, and Flames - Part 8 and 8b

"Well, I'm pretty sure we missed the movie..."

They were going to go see Frozen but after talking with Regan for so long after snowboarding they had missed the start. She didn't really care. She (they) smelled really bad and she really didn't want to leave the house again. She was exhausted from her first ever snowboarding experience, but she also didn't want him to leave.

"We can just go check what we have and watch something in the theater."

Though they had missed the showtime they had originally planned on, he really wanted to go despite her offer to stay and watch a movie at her house.

"What was that movie you loved? The one you said you could watch over and over again?"

"OOH! Minority Report! Let's watch that one!"

They went to the theater and found it in the "M" section of her DVD collection. (Yes, she alphabetized her family's DVDs.) She told him to make himself comfortable on one of the many couches and love sacs in the room.

Once the movie had started the inevitable happened and one minute at a time, he ended up a few inches closer to where she was sitting on the couch five feet behind him. It seemed to be the greatest distance he had ever travelled.

What am I doing.. what in the heck am I doing. This. Is. Nuts. You only just met her man, take it slow. 

He pressed on anyway, feeling wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove, hoping she didn't notice the fact that he was moving closer to her.

*BOOM!*

Her sister and three friends burst in to the room where they had slowly but surely gravitated towards each other. Aspen jumped on her, giving her a huge hug and Autumn, Lindsay and Mau followed in after. They wanted to know how snowboarding went. (Or, like her mother, they were astonished that the two were still together after nearly 13 hours and wanted to see what was up). They talked for a few minutes, sharing the general happenings of the day. Lindsay and her friends told them about the camping trip they were going to take that weekend and then they left the room.

As the movie came to a close, there they sat, hand in hand. His mind was blown. Completely blown. His heart felt like it was going to blow up, too. Though it had only been 13 hours, they had been through so much together and he really cared about her. It seemed to them that this should be weird; but it wasn't. Everything about the day should have been weird and wasn't... which was weird.

They sat and talked for a while about nothing and everything (*gag*). It was perfect. They acknowledged the non-weird weirdness that had characterized the day.

"This should be weird. I should be freaked out right now. This should be weird. I don't even know what is going on."

"Remember when I didn't know you this morning?"

"Ha! This is weird. Or it should be."

It wasn't the most intelligent conversation the two had shared, but their minds were kinda blown. Then there was the fact that she kept having the same thought cross her mind...

"You've got me whipped.." he said interrupting the thought.

"Well that didn't take long," she joked.

"Remember though, I have three weeks on you."

"Oh yeah. That's weird. It will take me a while to get used to that."

Uh oh...here's that thought again...I really want to kiss him right now...

Firepits, Frozen, and Flames - Intermission

Here we will pause for a brief intermission.


If you haven't already, check out parts 1-7:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7


Also, if he is feeling merciful, you might get his parts during this intermission.

Check here for that!

Firepits, Frozen, and Flames - Part 7

"I would definitely use a carrier pigeon over any other form of communication," she was saying to him. "How rad would that be? Or an owl like in Harry Potter. How the heck do they even do that? How do they know where to go?" She had always been baffled by carrier pigeons.

"I don't know how it works," he replied.

"Hmmm...I will have to research that cause how cool would that be?"

"Seriously! I could send you letters by bird when you go back to Wyoming."

"Haha! That would be so awesome. It would further solidify my status as the cool kid on the block." She liked the way this kid thought.

Their conversation had flowed from the serious to the funny to the ridiculous. One minute they were discussing her papa (a touchy subject amongst some) and the next carrier pigeons or owls or the movie Frozen.

"You haven't seen it yet?" She felt bad for anyone and everyone who had not seen the movie Frozen.

"No, but I hear it's pretty good."

"Good? That's an understatement. It is the best. Ever. I love it. Oh man it is so good. Like Tangled status. It is one that I would go to the movie theater again for."

"That good, huh?"

"Absolutely."

"Well then," he began, "what are you doing after snowboarding?"

Is this guy serious? It's not like we've already spent 8 hours together. That is usually more than enough time for me to piss off every around me. Why isn't he itchin' to ditch me? Welp if there was any doubt whether or not he liked me it's gone. But let's be honest here, there wasn't really any doubt...

"Let's do it," she said. "I'll check movie times on my phone."

Firepits, Frozen, and Flames - His & Hers

We thought it might be fun to do a his side/her side kind of thing.


So check it www.firepitsfrozenflames.blogspot.com

Might be entertaining...

Firepits, Frozen, and Flames - Part 6

Silence. No verbal communication. Skiers and snowboarders and wind and noises of the mountain. No speaking.

Silence. I don't mind silence. I think I told him that. Hopefully he doesn't mind it either. I don't think he does. I can't feel the discomfort from him that I feel from others when I remain silent. He doesn't feel the need to fill it up. Silence doesn't need filling.

He suggested they take a break and head up to one of the lodges and see what there was. They left their snowboards down by the lift area and walked quietly, observing their surroundings, lost in thought.

They got up to one of the lodges and there were two firepits with some chairs around them. No one was seated there, probably cause it was cold and the fire didn't do a whole lot since it was windy. They sat down by one of the fires. The fires had the little decorative rocks that she had always called humitrophises. They got really hot and worked really well as hand warmers as they would soon find out.

"Are these those things you wrote about that your sister named when she was little?"

How the freak does he remember this!? It was a tiny paragraph on one of my blog posts last spring from an assignment I had to do for my Beginning Acting class....I only remember cause I wrote it. 

"Ha! Yeah! These are pretty much the same thing! Humitrophis. Haha, that's so funny." She was astonished he remembered such a small detail that she wrote. This whole thing was weird for her....or it should have been, but it wasn't...which made it weird. 

All she knew was that she felt comfortable.

I feel comfortable. It's weird though...it isn't the kind of comfortable I feel with people I've known for a long time, but the kind of comfortable I feel with my dog. Like I know there is no judgement or expectation or assumptions. It's just pure contentment and love. Well that is a weird way to put it...You're a freak. This is weird...or it should be...but it isn't....that's weird.