What I want:

I want my life to be full of color. I want the brightest colors to light my path. I want a green door and a yellow mailbox. I want my lamp to have a purple light bulb. I want music to push me around. I want the notes to urge my steps, helping me do the dishes and vacuum the halls.  I want the notes to come from the artists and from me. I want music always whispering to me, “Dance. Sing.”

I want a treehouse with a bookshelf and a two-person sleeping bag. I want a lantern to light the words on the page. I want books. Real books. Not a tablet with ePages and ePapercuts. I want REAL papercuts. I want to read poetry and hate it. I want a rope ladder to climb into my treehouse. I want to have sleepovers in that treehouse with my family, my kids, my grandkids. I want to have dogs that we pull up into the treehouse in a basket pulley-system.

I want to observe people. I want to come closer to the truth about us all, about human nature. Nature? Nurture? Does it matter? I want to befriend the elderly, the homeless. I want to ask them about their scars and hear their stories. I want to talk to and understand millions. I want their lives to change me. I want to change. I want to listen more than talk. I already know that.

I want my life to be present in my bones. I want you to be able to say, “She loved riding horses and playing lacrosse. She loved eating peanut butter. She loved playing basketball, look at that finger. She hated the cold and the hot but lived through both. She did not like seafood. She wrote. A lot. A blog maybe? She got migraines too. ”

I want to believe in angels and demons and ghosts and fairies and Peter Pan and Neverland. I want to reread Harry Potter every year with my family. I want them to believe in it. Put their hearts in it. I want to knock on wood and change paths when I see a black cat. I want to believe in reincarnation and talking animals.

I want to get mad and say mean things about people. I want to mean those things but have it not even matter. I want to hate things about people but love them unconditionally anyways. I want to be able to cry…hard and then get up the next morning and make others smile.

I want to never experience -45 degrees again. I want to remember Wyoming with fondness and a little pity and awe. I want to hate football and not care because others love it and I can share with them.

I want to go the extra mile but have it go unnoticed. I want to create light and life. I want to have nothing left at the end of my life. I want to die at 73. 75 at the latest unless there is something greater here than what awaits us all. I want to be sure in this life and not wait until the next. I want to hear, “Well done thou good and faithful servant.”

I want to not give a damn and I want people to not care that I don’t care. I don’t care. Stop caring. Let me have my purple lights, green door and yellow mailbox. I want people to mind their own business but notice when someone needs a hand. These are a few of the things I want.

Firepits, Frozen, and Flames - Part 11

Since they were all starting school the next week, her family decided to go to The Little America for brunch on Sunday. (Ha, Sunday Brunch with the family - so sophisticated).

She was looking for a good opportunity to casually mention that they decided they were dating and going to do long distance.

Do I just throw it in there? Like this, "I am so excited to eat! We decided we are going to date and do long distance for the next year of our lives. I think I will eat the crepes first!" OR do I wait for it to come up...?

"So what's up with you guys?" her dad asked casually.

Guess that answers that question...

"So...." Just say it! Just say it! "....yeah"

She looked at one of her little sisters in the backseat since she had told her yesterday. Her sister shrugged her shoulders...

"Well yeah, so....we are dating." She cringed waiting for the reaction.

"WHAT?! WHY?! You don't even know him!"

Well this is going pretty much how I expected. That's comforting.

"Yeah...so mmhmmm."

Her siblings piped up with, "It's not that big of a deal" and "I'm pretty sure they've spent enough time together in the last two days that they have some idea." She was so thankful she didn't have to go up against them.

They discussed it for a few minutes more and then got to the restaurant. As they sat down, her mother said to her, "You know were are just giving you a hard time. We don't really care one way or another."

That was a great sign...

Firepits, Frozen, and Flames - Part 10

They were in the movie Frozen. She had already seen it once with her sister Regan before Christmas but it was so incredible she would have gone to it 16 more times.

It had been about 34 hours since they had met, but felt more like 34 lifetimes. They, thick as thieves, sat in the theater watching the movie.

Hmm...this is great. Although now that I think about it, this movie sort of points a microscope at us. The whole "You can't marry someone you just met" thing...I mean, we aint getting married, but we did decide last night we were going to date and do long distance. Same difference really....awkward...and his name is Kristoff....coincidence? I think not....HA!

She tried her best not to sing along to all of the songs she already knew by heart, but failed at some points.

Ugh I hate people like me in the theater. SHUT UP ALREADY. This is probably the first time these people have seen this movie so let them enjoy it you waif! ...I need to stop using the word waif...

Ana was saying, "I got engaged but then she freaked out because I'd only just met him..." and they had a good little chuckle. 

She leaned over and whispered in his ear, "Remember when I didn't know you....yesterday?" They laughed.

It came to the part in the movie where the grandpa troll tells Kristoff that only an act of true love will thaw Ana's frozen heart. Kristoff then says he needs to get her back to Prince Hans and Olaf asks why but realizes Kristoff is thinking of "a true love's kiss!"

At "true love's kiss" he turned, looked at her, leaned over and kissed her.

shutupShutUpSHUTUP. Who is this guy? Is he for real? That just happened. *Gag from the immense amount of cheese* *Swoon* ohmanOhManOHMAN...watch the movie...watch the movie....watch the movie....what the??? HA! That just happened! This guy's great!!

Firepits, Frozen, and Flames - Part 9

They had been together since just after she dyed her hair red that morning. She was looking pretty good as a redhead if this narrator may say so herself. They hung out with her family, played the piano and guitar *swoon*. Since they had missed going to Frozen the day before, they had decided to go today. The movie wasn't for a little bit so they had some time to kill.

They took Rocket on a walk through the neighborhoods for a while.

Freak, this is awesome. I am so at peace right now. I could do this forever. I've never felt very strongly about having a dog when I am older but this right here makes me think otherwise...I could do this forever.

They walked and talked or walked in silence. It was chilly, but not too bad. Rocket weaved back and forth, marking everything he could. He may have even gotten someone's shoe. Rocket was never a very good walking dog. Occasionally he would wind himself up in the leash or wrap it around her legs. But it was great.

"I didn't really have any idea why I was supposed to come back home up until now. I think I might have an idea now."

"Oh?" she asked.

"Yeah, things are sort of becoming clearer."

"Why do you think?" she asked although she was pretty sure she knew the answer since she had been thinking the same thing for some time now.

"I'll let you figure it out," he replied.

shutupShutUpSHUTUP. This is totally what I have been thinking, but then I was like, "no. stop flattering yourself." but then I was like, "HA! who am I kidding?" But like if that is what he is thinking too....Holy crap holy crap holy crap

"I just have no idea what it could be," she feigned ignorance.

"I'll give you some time to figure it out."

A Poem

My sister has inspired me to be all artsy and junk so I wrote this poem today.

I was in my Teaching of the Living Prophets institute class watching these two talks and I whipped this poem out. I am not totally pleased yet, but for writing it in like 20 minutes its aight.

Anyway...here it is:

I don't yet know why
but I know I have to try.
When I feel the pull
It is not a pounding in my skull
But a gentle nudge
I must obey without grudge.
It leads me to the light
When I follow without a fight.
This light turns me from sorrow.
It promises me a bright tomorrow.
This light is my life.

My God has for me such love
even though he resides far above.
He listens to my every word
My kind loving knowing Lord.
How have I come to be?
Looking back I hardly recognize me.
If I follow the light to the end
My God will truly be my best friend.

Rich blessings to impart
He promises me the desires of my heart.
I patiently await
Navigating the pathway, narrow and straight.
Perfect I know I am not
But my sins I know only He can blot.
My transgressions He remembers no more
When I call upon Christ's solo war.
In Gethsemane where he bled
With Heavenly Father he plead
"Why hast thou forsaken me?"
As Christ is, so seek I to be.

And so at 19 years of age today
Some days seem dark and gray.
When I feel the pull I cannot ignore
It leads me to seek it more
So my days increase in light
I will never give up this fight

Happy Easter

Read this

None Were with Him - Elder Holland

Why is it the older we get, the more cynical we become?

Seriously. Why?

You hear people say all the time something to the effect of "Now I'm old and cynical, but you are young and still believe! Stay that way! Stay young and hopeful!"

I hear it from my theater teacher about every other week. I went to the Mission Prep class on thursday and heard the same thing. The teacher told a story about how he was an older missionary with a new companion. They had just met this guy who didn't believe in God, but still let them in his home. They shared a message and then asked if they could come back. The guy said yeah, sure and as they left, this older companion was thinking we are never going to get another appointment with him, he was just being nice. I've seen this a million times before, nothing is going to come out of this. At the same time the younger companion was super jazzed saying we are going to baptize this guy! It's going to be awesome!

At this point, the teacher said to the young hopefuls in the class, if it weren't for the hope and faith of my young companion, this man wouldn't have received the truth. I got a call last year saying he was baptized. Stay faithful and hopeful in the work of the Lord. 

Perfect example. I am not pointing fingers and saying that he was totally wrong in getting older and becoming accustomed to the disappointments of life. Nearly everyone does it. I am guilty. But why???

Why do we remember the heartbreak, disappointment, discouragement that life brings? Why do we let those negative things shape us and our futures? Why don't we remember the tender mercies, the miracles, the happiness, the love, the good fortune? Why don't we become more optimistic and hopeful as time goes on, since we have seen so many good things come our way?

I think that is why it says so often in scriptures to be as little children. 

• Luke 18:17
• 17 Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein.
• Matthew 18:4
• 4 Whosoever therefore shall ^ahumble himself as this little ^bchild, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
• First Corinthians 13 even states this principle exactly:
• 11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
• 12 For now we see through a ^aglass, ^bdarkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
• 13 And now abideth ^afaith, ^bhope, ^ccharity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

• Mosiah 3:19
• 19 For the ^anatural ^bman is an ^cenemy to God, and has been from the ^dfall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he ^eyieldsto the enticings of the ^fHoly Spirit, and ^gputteth off the ^hnaturalman and becometh a ⁱsaint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a ^jchild, ^ksubmissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

Fascinating. That is also probably why we are referred to as the CHILDREN OF GOD so often as well.  I want to change. I want to become as a child. Really become as a child. One who believes easily, hopes for all things, remembers the good over the bad. 

I want to be that person who sees the world through rose colored glasses and gets more optimistic, faithful, hopeful as time passes. 

That is what I want to try for. Do it with me.

The Women in Our Lives

1. I absolutely love Gordon B. Hinckley
2. I am a boob - this made me cry
3. Why is there such a thing as feminism? Why don't you just listen to the words of this man?

Kind, Young, Loud, Excitable, Energetic

KYLEE made a Mormon.org profile!

Ch...ch...check it out!

I AM A MORMON

It, That: Part One

Thin Invisible Light surrounds me. It surrounds everyone if you look hard enough. Some people have forgotten to remember and their thin invisible light can barely be seen. They do things that dull the light. They don’t remember. Some people have fed that light until it almost blinds you to look at. They are the ones that remember to remember. They are the ones that are close to It, truth.

It surrounds everything actually. All living things at least…maybe all things. Trees, dogs, bats, and sunflowers. They all have the thin invisible light. It comes with life, I think. Their light is more constant, though. It doesn’t ebb and flow like with humans. It remains perfect through their whole existence. They have all of It written in the blueprint. They cannot forget It.

Babies always have bright frames. That is because they haven’t forgotten to remember yet. They just came from It, truth. If babies could talk they’d probably be able to tell us what It smells like. What It tastes like. What It sounds like. What It feels like. Maybe even what It really is. That’s why they tell you to be like a little child. Then as they learn to crawl and walk and talk and say the alphabet and read and write and dress themselves and play sports and drive and sign their own papers and That fills them up, they forget. It’s like the space that was filled with It gets filled with new things that push It out of their consciousness. But not all of them forget about It.

I haven’t forgotten to remember. But I also haven’t remembered all of what I forgot. That is the problem.

My light is there. It surrounds me. It hugs my body and moves in perfect harmony with me. I think it probably shows in my eyes the most. Well, that’s what I have been told anyway. They say the eyes are the windows to your soul. And your soul is where It is kept. The thin invisible light is the outward manifestation of It in your soul.

It sometimes is really bright. It is bright right now. I think that two years ago it wasn’t as bright. It was there…but I think you had to look harder for it. But now, right now, I can feel it. It is there and some people who have really good perception might have to squint when I am near. It feels alive and it wants to grow. It wants me to find It. Keep finding It, rather. It pulses with the beats of my heart. I hope my light keeps growing.

It, truth, can be found everywhere and that is what makes the thin invisible light flourish. That is why we are here. To find It. To make It a part of us: the light. People with brighter invisible lights are happier than those who forget to remember. There is a connection between It and joy. Probably success too.

Things here block It. I don’t know if they do it on purpose. In order to do it on purpose they would have to know that It is there. I don’t know why they wouldn’t want It if they knew what It was and that It was there. But lots of things keep you from getting It. That is why a lot of people’s light is hard to perceive. That keeps them busy.

There is a lot of That. That is what blocks It. That takes your attention away from remembering and instead tries to fill up the space of your mind and soul with other things that are not It. That is also everywhere. That is in the everywhere that It is not. Maybe It and That are equally infinite, filling in the spaces of each other if that is even possible. Maybe not. Maybe people just focus more on That than It. I think that probably the one we focus more on is more powerful.

I know people who have always had a bright light. Or people who I thought had a bright light only to find that it wasn’t as strong as it looked. Some people have never had very much light because they forgot, or because someone didn’t remind them. Some people forget and then they remember and find It. Some people have It and their light is wonderful but they get busy and upset and forget about It so their light goes away. It always makes me sad when their light gets smaller and weaker.

You can’t really lose all of your luminous frame. There is the smallest fraction, like 1 over infinity, which will always stay with you. Because it comes from somewhere else. Even if you don’t remember at all your whole life, there will be that teeny, tiny part that stays there. You can ignore or forget or remember nothing or do the opposite of It and only fill yourself with That, but that part will be there. That’s probably to protect us against our own forgetfulness. That way, it is never too late to find It and change your light from weakly flickering to blindingly strong.

You can’t really max out your light either. Because It is infinite and everywhere. You can never be full to the brim of It. It is in books. It is in music. It is in other people. It is in the forests. It is in the mountains and the oceans. It is in the temples and the homes. But so is That.

Some people get confused about It and That. They get confused and think that It is That or That is It. When they think they have found It and they are feeding their light, they really just have a lot of That and it takes over their soul space, dimming their light.

Having It makes you better. It makes you love more, understand more, care more, have more patience, speak truer words, and smooths the edges of your being.

Its like we are all stone waiting to become a sculpted masterpiece. Every bit of It that we get works the edges of the stone until you can see what the sculpture might become. The more and more that you get the more perfected you become. Truth perfects you. Truth makes you more like that which you should be like.

It is a whispering of things that were before. It dictates the universe. It exists whether or not people search for it. It is how you should live your life.

but i promise it is inside of me forever

Have you ever wanted to create something. You just feel this thing in your head, in your mind, in your soul, in your heart, in your consciousness? You feel it growing and becoming something that you want to create and put out there.

You want to give life to this thing through your words maybe? Or your paints and canvas, or your violin. You just feel it. It needs to be created. It needs life.

I feel that. I feel it lately. I want this thing to be the first if it's kind. I want people to be stunned and touched by this thing. I want it to be unlike anything anyone has ever come in contact with.

I want this thing to make people feel like they've known it their entire existence, premortal life and all. It's so comfortable and familiar to them like that person's hug you will never forget or refuse.

Like when you say:
"Thursday? Thursday is neutral. Its broccoli, 8, 9, traffic lights, and grey that are boys"
And the person either goes:
"I KNOW! That is what I'm saying!
or:
"Um....you realize those are all inanimate or intangible things right?"

When this thing gets out I want it to bring mortals to their lives as angels and I want it to bring angels to their lives as mortals. I want it to testify of all things true.
I want it to bring tears. Whatever kind of tears come. I want happiness and sadness and all the heartfelt emotions that look like a rainbow. 

I want it to remind them of their dog growing up. And I want them to think of all the times they've traveled down that road. I want them to feel every ounce of love that has ever been given or received. 
I want this thing to consume all

I'm not sure if this thing will ever gain life outside of me.


but i promise it is inside of me forever

General Conference - Intermission

So maybe some of y'all have noticed I haven't done a conference talk in a while.

Well that is because I am reading the Collected Works of Hugh Nibley.

So I am only on the first book, but I only have 5 of them so far...but it still  might be a few months before I start the conference talks again.

I want to focus on the things I am reading and get the most out of them that I can so I chose not to keep doing conference talks as well as Hugh Nibleys books.

I still think y'all should keep checking out those conference talks!!

They are marvelous.


Happy Thursday!

General Conference 1999 & 2000

October 1999
Becoming Our Best Selves

April 1999
Like a Flame Unquenchable

October 2000
Living by Scriptural Guidance

April 2000
The Stake President

General Conference 1997 & 1998

October 1997
Look to the Future

Just change the the numbers and this is even more important today than it was 15 years ago.


April 1997
Washed Clean

Sheesh...I went through so many talks before I finally got that feeling with this one.


October 1998
A Season of Opportunity

April 1998
Bridging the Gap Between Uncertainty and Certainty

Mormon Messages

These are fantastical.

General Conference 1995 & 1996

October 1995
Powerful Ideas

April 1995
"Therefore I Was Taught"

October 1996
Listening by the Power of the Spirit

This is short and sweet. It is the beginning of Conference so GBH is just telling us to listen with the Spirit to the speakers because they have prayed and know what to teach the people. Its pretty good and reminds us how to approach the prophets and apostles words.

April 1996
A Handful of Meal and a Little Oil

I gave a relief society lesson on this a few weeks ago. It was Chapter 20 in the Teachings of George Albert Smith. I think it went well. I sort of deviated and did my own thing cause that's how I live my life but nonetheless I think it was a good lesson. I didn't ask those stupid questions at the end cause I think they are the dumbest things ever (no offense church manual makers). In fact I didn't ask any questions. I taught what I knew to be true, said Amen and sat down.

General Conference 1993 & 1994

October 1993
A Mighty Change of Heart

April 1993
The Language of Prayer

October 1994
Importance of Receiving a Personal Testimony

April 1994
Decisions

General Conference 1991 & 1992

Holy 90's!!

October 1991
The Gospel—A Global Faith

Part 1

 

Part 2

April 1991
Before I Build a Wall

October 1992
“By Way of Invitation” (Alma 5:62)

April 1992
Come to the House of the Lord

Here is a song that goes with the last talk.

General Conference 1989 & 1990

October 1989
Learning to Recognize Answers to Prayer

April 1989
"Lord, When Saw We Thee an Hungered?"

October 1990
A Thousand Times

April 1990
 "Endure It Well"

SO GOOD. Ch...Ch....Check 'em out!

General Conference 1987 & 1988

October 1987
Never Give Up

April 1987
Keeping Lifes Demands in Check

Have you ever felt overwhelmed with all that you have to do or want to do? Well this is the most perfect talk I have ever read for that. It is so incredible. Read it!

October 1988
Making Righteous Choices at the Crossroads of Life

April 1988
Our Lord and Savior