I feel like

someone I don't know.

I feel like someone I never wanted to become.
I feel like I'm drowning in the world.
Drowning in my own tears that never stop.
I feel like I am suffocating on the world and the sadness and the despair.
Suffocating on the horrible words and thoughts that I have.
I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore.
I feel like I am out of control. I don't even have any say in the actions I take.
I feel like a monster.
I feel like in the place that I am, I will never be able to go back.
I feel like I am ignoring the things that should be taking up the most time in my heart and mind.
I feel so selfish but don't know how to stop.
I feel so lost.
I feel like I need to get lost to find where I need to be.
I feel like I can't hear.
I feel like someone who says the wrong thing 100% of the time.
I feel like I make it impossible to love me.
I feel like rock bottom isn't low enough.



I wrote this a couple months ago.

There is beauty in our brokenness

I read this post this morning, The Brutally Honest Christmas Card. And it is awesome.

One of the comments below, that I didn't actually read, says "there is beauty in our brokenness".

AMEN.

That post coupled with other things made me seriously appreciate that phrase, "there is beauty in our brokenness".

There really is. And this family took their virtual christmas card as an opportunity to display their brokenness.

I'm sorry everyone, but when I get a christmas card with all the weddings your family had and the missions your children are on, that's great, but not everything.

I appreciate the cards that include the struggles, the ATV crash that put your son in the hospital and knocked out his front teeth.

Those are the ones that express the depth of your life. The aforementioned happy events are just the surface.

The shit we go through is the shit that makes us.

Display that more often, people.

I am absolutely fed up

Hear that? I am absolutely fed up. Maybe more just heartbroken, frustrated and discouraged. Maybe those are better words to describe what I am.

With every passing second our world becomes a less stable, accepting, loving, safe place. How many days have passed since the last mass shooting? Zero. 0. None. That's how many. Do we need to start counting in minutes? How pathetic. Where did our conflict resolution skills go?

What has happened? Why do we trust our leaders less now than before?

So what we have a shit president? What happened to Power to the People? Why haven't we done anything about it? Why can't we do anything about it? What happened to the days where when things were going wrong we could change them as a team, a country?

Why do we trust one another less now than before?

What has happened? Why are we so entitled and selfish and dangerously unaware of those around us and yet so willing to offer our commentary on others?

When did it become acceptable for people to expect things they have neither earned nor deserve? How did it happen?

When did we begin to need validation from individuals we see only once yearly?

When did our sense of worth move from what our parents, teachers, mentors, God and we ourselves thought of us to what acquaintance, stranger, random person you'll never meet thinks of us?

When did we stop respecting our elders? At the rate we are going at the least they can say they didn't singlehandedly destroy all of humanity in a single generation. 

When did some other country's citizens become more important than the men and women who are responsible for this country's freedom?

When did we get so spineless? Why can we not stand up for what we believe without some entitled cretin claiming some PC card?  When did differing opinions become "hate" instead of growth? Get a hold of yourselves, you ignorant swine. 

Why does Dr. Everett Piper, President of Oklahoma Wesleyan University, have to write a blogpost like this?

"This past week, I actually had a student come forward after a university chapel service and complain because he felt “victimized” by a sermon on the topic of 1 Corinthians 13. It appears this young scholar felt offended because a homily on love made him feel bad for not showing love. In his mind, the speaker was wrong for making him, and his peers, feel uncomfortable.

I’m not making this up. Our culture has actually taught our kids to be this self-absorbed and narcissistic. Any time their feelings are hurt, they are the victims. Anyone who dares challenge them and, thus, makes them “feel bad” about themselves, is a “hater,” a “bigot,” an “oppressor,” and a “victimizer.”"

Because we are weak, entitled, selfish, arrogant, ignorant. That is a lethal combination of characteristics. It is despicable. We are a despicable people. We are hateful. We are selfish. We are close minded. We have lost so many valuable lessons from humanity like hard work and unity, conflict resolution, not being an ass to name a few. We are individualistic to a fault. We are judgmental to the worst degree. It is no wonder society is literally crumbling before us all with more hatred and division than ever. What else would anyone expect when we ignore people in need, when non procreating couples are wedded, when we care about no one but ourselves, when the safety, health and wellbeing of our own citizens is put far down on the to do list? What else can you possibly expect?

As of yet I have no idea what I am supposed to do about it all. Seems like a hefty task. But the first step is recognizing you have a problem, right? That's more than millions of entitled little freaks have done. 

It's a good thing I don't have Facebook

Ok team, I have realized that it is a darn good thing that I do not have Facebook or Tumblr or Twitter or Instagram or any of these other "social" media dealies.

When I had Twitter and Facebook 3+ years ago, I was not nearly as knowledgable, confident, or intolerant of idiocy, ignorance, sexism, grammar delinquents as I am now. Therefore, I was a very polite and passive social media user.

Today it is a different story. Boy, is it a different story. I think I have just given myself a lifelong ban on "social" media dealies. Because I would spend way too much time trying to correct the problems of society as they are manifested by ignoramuses online.

I do not tolerate sexism. I do not tolerate incorrect grammar
**I know people make typos and that is AOKAY - nobody's perfect**
I do not tolerate ignorance. I do not tolerate ingenuineness (I know that isn't a word). I can't handle it. People cannot be doofuses their entire lives (according to me) and who the F is going to stop them from being a doofus? If I had "social" media, it would defs be me. I would correct the bejeezuz out of all of them. I would make my opinion so known it would be outrageous.

So all you idiots, ignorants, sexists, doofuses of the "social" media world: Thank your lucky stars I am not a part of your world.

Trailer Trash - Classy Version

Alright team.


I am going to live in a trailer. Correction: We are going to live in a trailer:
Him:

And me:

and sometimes her:

We look like we could be trailer dwelling folks, right?

Well we have been looking for months for a trailer to buy. 

Finally we found one. A beaut. From the 80's. Mmmmmmmmmmhmmmmmmmmmm

Here she is:

 



 
 
 

BUT: While my partner has been gone fighting fires - hence the ashy face - I have been working my fingers to the bone to get this trailer revamped.

The plan is to paint some stuff, take some stuff out, put some stuff in, etc, etc.

Here she is midway through the prepping process:

 

Mostly I just took all the doors off of everything. I was pretending to be a carpenter/painter/whatever job takes doors off of things.

Here I am pretending to be a seamstress:

I like to pretend I know how to do things until I actually do know how to do things. It works out super well actually.


Stay tuned for the rest of the revamp of our camper. I like to call it our recamp.

UpsideDownBackWards

Baldness where there should be hair.
Blank stares where there should be engaged eyes.
Blankets and long sleeves where there should be shorts and T-shirts.
Chaos where there should be peace.
Confusion where there should be clarity.
Death where there should be life.

Doors where there should be doorways.

Fear where there should be faith.
Feet where there should be inches.
Frowns where there should be smiles.
Gums where there should be teeth.
Hair where there should be baldness.
Holes and gaps where there should be wholes.
Inches where there should be centimeters.
Lies where there should be truth.
Life where there should be death.
Locks where there should be unrestricted access.
Messes where there should be clean.
No where there should be Yes.
Questions where there should be answers.
Sadness where there should be joy.
Truth where there should be lies.
Uncertainty where there should be confidence.
Wheels where there should be feet.
Wrinkles where there should be smooth.
? when there should be ..

Most things are shit

**THIS CONTAINS GRAPHIC THINGS SO DON'T BE SEARCHING IF YOU CAN'T HANLDE IT**


Lately, I have realized that most things nowadays are shit.


End of story. But since that is not a good blog post, I will elaborate.



O I L S P I L L S are shit.

I S I S is shit.

P R I S O N S are shit.

L E A D E R S are shit.

C A M P U S R A P E is shit.

C H I L D S O L D I E R S are shit.

M U R D E R is shit.

R E L I G I O N is shit.

F O O D is shit.

S C H O O L S are shit.

M U S I C is shit.









BUT -


I believe in magic
I believe that one day
or maybe even today

we                    can

see

God's Grandeur.

The world is charged with the grandeur of God.

    It will flame out, like shining from shook foil;

    It gathers to a greatness, like the ooze of oil

Crushed. Why do men then now not reck his rod?

Generations have trod, have trod, have trod;

    And all is seared with trade; bleared, smeared with toil;

    And wears man's smudge and shares man's smell: the soil

Is bare now, nor can foot feel, being shod.

And for all this, nature is never spent;

    There lives the dearest freshness deep down things;

And though the last lights off the black West went

    Oh, morning, at the brown brink eastward, springs —

Because the Holy Ghost over the bent

    World broods with warm breast and with ah! bright wings.

-Hopkins

Wedding Etiquette

There are so many wedding etiquette rules that I find stupid.

Here is the most recent one that I have come upon:

Sources: 

• theknot.com
• huffingtonpost.com
• weddingwire.com
• and various other places

The rule:

Don't put wedding registry information on any wedding invites.

Reasoning:

Who the hell knows?

-or maybe-

When sending an invite you are requesting their presence not their presents. 

The "solution":

Put wedding registry information on your wedding website (because everyone knows everyone has one of those *disgusted hocking loogie noise*)

or

Just have it spread word of mouth of course *another disgusted loogie noise*

Real Talk:

Ok, I'm inviting you to my wedding reception. I (kind of) expect you to come. I also expect you to bring me something. Do I expect you to bring me something because that expectation was created within me? NO, I have been told my whole life through words and examples that that is what happens when someone gets married. So here's my take on the whole sitch. 

You know I want you to bring me a present. I know you feel like you should bring me a present. You know its a hassle to find something that I and my new husband will like. I know that you want it made as easy as possible. I am not buying that whole **let's pretend I am not expecting you to bring me something** thing when everyone knows that you are expected to bring me something. So why bother with that ancient, antiquated, decrepit rule and instead make it easier. I am going to tell you on my wedding reception invitation because you also don't want to have to go look at my wedding website or call my mom or his mom and ask where I am registered. 

Let's be real people. 

Thanks

~ oh and by the way, I am registered at amazon.com so if any of you want to buy me a wedding present, head to amazon.com to mine and Christopher's registry and take your pic - Thanks in advance ;) ~

25d15h

I am a traditionalist. I like to do things by the book. Status quo is my fave. I am a rule follower. Very much a rule follower.


SIKE


Lies. All of those. Were lies. I am a liar.

I am not a traditionalist. Most are just stupid social customs that don't serve great purposes. I think there need to be more people willing to change things up a bit. No matter how difficult.

Like ME.


My story:

In approximately 25 days and 15 hours I am marrying the greatest human. (Yes, the firepits, frozen, and flames one) The. Greatest. Human. Never was there another human who handled my repulsion to physical touch, my tendency to bite, my strange woman's health philosophy, my inability to follow rules, and my tendency to enjoy doing nothing.

We will be sealed in the Salt Lake Temple. This is during my spring break, and over a weekend for him. He's in school and we will probably be doing a lot of homework over our honeymoon. *Yay for struggling college students* We will be sealed at 11:40 in the am and then...here is where our follow the tradition train ride ends.

So, we are not doing a reception at that time. Ain't nobody got time for that. Our reception will be in August of 2015. Nearly 6 months after we actually get married. *Yay for the wildland firefighting life* See, he will be gone June to August. So prime time for marriage and receptioning is out of the question for us.

BUT we need to do something to include our families and have a celebration of some sorts. SO, a dutch lunch at Sweet Tomatoes it is. I know...we are just oozing convention. Then, Christopher and I will get in the car and drive to Saint George for two days and then come back to real life.

It gets better.

He has an apartment with his two besties with a lease until June. In Orem. He works. In Orem. He goes to UVU has classes 6-10 pm. In Orem. I live with my dear family. In Sandy. I work 40ish hours a week. In Sandy. I don't finish until 8:15ish pm most nights. In Sandy. The solution: He will go back to his apartment in Orem and I will stay at home in Sandy. Until about August. *Remember the summer firefighting thing?* About 6 months until we will reside in the same dwelling for longer than a weekend.

**WOOPWOOP**

Anyways, that is the plan. It's been pretty stressful. Going against all tradition is hard. What are people going to think? Oh wait, I don't care. But really though. It has clearly been a worry of mine.

I had a dream the other night where after I had sent out the EVITES (HAHA Oh yea, also, we didn't send out paper invitations, we sent out EVITES...without pictures, because we didn't do an engagement shoot.....HAHAHAH) my grandma had come over for something and she said something about how rude and improper our whole plan was. She said it in an underhanded way, just mumbling under her breath and I got very defensive and said it was the way it was going to go. I started to cry as I walked up the stairs. After a few steps I stopped crying and said, "No, you know what? This is how it is working. I will NOT apologize for it." And that is how I feel.


So take up your flags people! Change things up a bit! Do what you want and not what other people expect! It is liberating.

You know that perfect family?

You know that perfect family?

The one that doesn't have a drug addict in it?

That family that doesn't have any pregnant teenagers?

The one that has never been featured on an episode of Intervention?

The one that has never had a crises of faith?

The one that has never argued?

The one that knows how to tip properly at restaurants?

That family that has no divorces to speak of?


No lying?

No cheating?

No children born out of wedlock?


The one that has never had any member serve jail time?

The family that has never had any member in rehab?

The one that always dresses modestly?

The family that is RIDICULOUSLY photogenic?

The one that doesn't have any runaways?

The one that has never had the police bring their children home in the middle of the night?

The family whose children always behave politely?


No secrets?

No mental breakdowns?

No vices?


The one whose dog doesn't bark in the middle of the night?

That family that never speaks ill of others?

The one that never eats junk food?

The one that doesn't watch R-rated movies?

The one with children on missions in Brazil, Russia, AND Texas?

The one that watches all 4 sessions of General Conference and goes to Priesthood and the Relief Society meeting?

That one family with all brilliant minds?

The one that is made up of all wonderful musicians?

The one that drives super nice, clean cars?

The one that hasn't had to adopt because they are perfectly fertile?

The family that never has sweat stains?

The one with not a single zit between the lot of them?

The one with children at Harvard and Yale and Pepperdine?

The one with the all-state lacrosse star and the Decathlete with awards?

The family that serves others ALL THE TIME?

The one with all the girls with the Tiffany's necklaces?




That family that has never felt like a failure?






...yeah, me neither....

The Perfect vs My Perfect

I was sitting somewhere last night and a thought struck me. It was a thought about the perfect and my perfect. Because those aren't the same.

Some years ago I had my perfect. It wasn't perfect for anyone else...I'm pretty sure most people wouldn't have been as happy with what what going on in my life (I mean hello? Who wants this?) but it was my version of perfect. I was so happy.

Fast forward a year or two and I had the perfect. It was picturesque. Doing above average in school, taking summer classes and working. Killing it in lacrosse. Return missionary boyfriend who I read conference talks with every week. Wonderful friends. Going to wedding showers and baby showers for those friends. It wasn't bad. I enjoyed myself and I was mostly happy with my life and friends and whatnot. But it wasn't my perfect. I thought it was what I wanted out of life and in some ways it was...but in the most important ways it was just the perfect and not my perfect.

My point is that the perfect, the ideal is not and could never be my perfect, my ideal. Mine is usually a much more difficult road than the perfect. 

And that is why I am strong.

Superstition

So I learned in my Anthropology of Religion class about superstition and why it is even a thing.

It isn't that it actually has a physical effect on the universe or whatever. Like throwing salt over your shoulder after you've spilt it doesn't change some force of nature from wreaking havoc on your being.

INSTEAD...the power in superstitions comes from the psychological changes it creates in a persons being. That person feels safer for throwing the salt over their shoulder and so they ARE safer.

When everything else is out of their control, the superstition gives them an explanation for WHY things happened. People can handle things better if they think they know WHY said thing happened.

Lindsay came home today and asked to see my ring **spoiler alert** **I'll get to that later**. I showed it to her and she asked if she could put it on. Then she quickly said, "wait, isn't that bad luck or something?"

I am going somewhere with this, I promise.

So the superstition is that maybe if someone else tries on your engagement/wedding ring, that brings bad luck upon the couple. I thought about that and thought about how it would be sort of a comforting thing.........STAY WITH ME. THIS WILL SOUND AWFUL BUT IT WAS AN EXPLANATION THAT MADE THE SUPERSTITION THING MAKE A LOTTA SENSE TO ME.

OK....so if something awful ever happened and Christopher and I were not together forever and a day for whatever reason, it would be a comforting thing to be able to look back and say, it is because I let Lindsay try my ring on. Like he dies of Ebola or something...the explanation that he was exposed to it and the virus did this that and the other would not be a good enough explanation. WHY was he the exposed one? **Thinks back to when I let someone try my ring on** That is why. It would be weirdly comforting.

Practically speaking, I know that it is ridiculous to find comfort in that. But THAT is the power of superstitions.

There is an anthropological piece by Evans-Pritchard (THERE IS A VIDEO THAT YOU CAN TAKE A GANDER AT) that tells how the Azande explain things like this.

Say a person stubs their toe on a path they've walked 10, 208 times without stubbing their toe. They claim it is witchcraft or magic that made them stub their toe that particular time. It is how the explain it. Or a granary collapses on a person and kills them when 203,734 people have sat under that same granary 120,421 times. Witchcraft. That is why that particular person was smooshed by the granary.

It is the same with superstitions. I might write more about this and like knocking on wood....

NOTE TO SELF: I did everything I could (knocked on wood) and so there was nothing else I could do to fix what happened. I can be ok with it...

Fostering Dogs - Blue the Cattle Dog

Ah, Blue. What a wonderful little ball of electricity. What a handful. What a monster.

She jumps up on people but not obnoxiously at all. It's like she is giving you a hug because she actually puts her little arms around you. I think she just wants to make it easier for you to pet her to be honest. It was adorable. She is like the perfect size too. Not a small dog but not a huge one that takes up a ton of space either. Perfect travel size!

If you sit on the ground with your legs out she makes herself quite at home there wanting to be pet and loved.

She looks so nice in these pictures. Not at all showing the psychotic nature underneath. She always has this smile too. AH the smile. So CUTE. I can't find a good picture of her with that smile. She found (or created) a spot in the backyard under the big pine tree that stays cool and that is where she spent much of her time here. Ah Blue...I love you. 

She was in heat when we first got her so she was superrrrr obnoxious. Like so annoying. And she has the worst bark I have ever heard in my life. It's a high pitched yap and I hated it. We all hated it. Luckily she isn't a very vocal dog. 

She is so curious. So so so curious and the way she manifests that is through digging and chewing. I will let my dad speak about this:

"Then she brought home a female dog, and this female dog was totally the opposite. I think we should have named her "Tasmanian Devil," but her name was Blue. She is a Blue Heeler, so she has all the attributes of a Blue Heeler. They herd cattle. It is a mistake to think they bite the heels of cattle. They are bred to herd cattle and they open their mouths, and hit with their teeth at the heels of the cattle to herd them. Blue has all of the psychological makeup required to engage in that hazardous occupation. 

And this dog, bless her heart, is eager to please. Disciplining her was simple, you just had to indicate you weren't happy, and it about killed the poor animal. But she is so full of energy that she couldn't help but drag the mulch bag out into of the middle of the lawn and reduce it to shreds. She also has engaged in a major excavation project to find out exactly how the sprinkler system is put together. She clearly questioned whether we really needed a valve at the location she found it. She also wondered what the valve tasted like? When she found out we don't like that behavior, she was so apologetic. I could not bring myself to do anything, other than by the voice to say, What are you doing!?! She responded to the tone of voice and she fell onto her back, as if to cry: 'You have to love me still! Please, you have to love me still'"

All that is true. 100% true. She's a curious, energetic archaeologist in the making. And she's so eager to please. That was good. And she's so receptive to discipline, which is necessary because her antics often require discipline. She is a puppy and comes with all her puppy ways. She is queen of the love bite or love chew. 

Perhaps the best thing about her, besides all of this:

is the fact that she did not run away. Not once. In fact we let her off the leash and she would walk with us and it was so great. Like having Rocket with us again. Ah Blue, what a gem! We miss you Blueberry. 

This adorable pup is Mo:

We will talk about her next time.

What I want:

I want my life to be full of color. I want the brightest colors to light my path. I want a green door and a yellow mailbox. I want my lamp to have a purple light bulb. I want music to push me around. I want the notes to urge my steps, helping me do the dishes and vacuum the halls.  I want the notes to come from the artists and from me. I want music always whispering to me, “Dance. Sing.”

I want a treehouse with a bookshelf and a two-person sleeping bag. I want a lantern to light the words on the page. I want books. Real books. Not a tablet with ePages and ePapercuts. I want REAL papercuts. I want to read poetry and hate it. I want a rope ladder to climb into my treehouse. I want to have sleepovers in that treehouse with my family, my kids, my grandkids. I want to have dogs that we pull up into the treehouse in a basket pulley-system.

I want to observe people. I want to come closer to the truth about us all, about human nature. Nature? Nurture? Does it matter? I want to befriend the elderly, the homeless. I want to ask them about their scars and hear their stories. I want to talk to and understand millions. I want their lives to change me. I want to change. I want to listen more than talk. I already know that.

I want my life to be present in my bones. I want you to be able to say, “She loved riding horses and playing lacrosse. She loved eating peanut butter. She loved playing basketball, look at that finger. She hated the cold and the hot but lived through both. She did not like seafood. She wrote. A lot. A blog maybe? She got migraines too. ”

I want to believe in angels and demons and ghosts and fairies and Peter Pan and Neverland. I want to reread Harry Potter every year with my family. I want them to believe in it. Put their hearts in it. I want to knock on wood and change paths when I see a black cat. I want to believe in reincarnation and talking animals.

I want to get mad and say mean things about people. I want to mean those things but have it not even matter. I want to hate things about people but love them unconditionally anyways. I want to be able to cry…hard and then get up the next morning and make others smile.

I want to never experience -45 degrees again. I want to remember Wyoming with fondness and a little pity and awe. I want to hate football and not care because others love it and I can share with them.

I want to go the extra mile but have it go unnoticed. I want to create light and life. I want to have nothing left at the end of my life. I want to die at 73. 75 at the latest unless there is something greater here than what awaits us all. I want to be sure in this life and not wait until the next. I want to hear, “Well done thou good and faithful servant.”

I want to not give a damn and I want people to not care that I don’t care. I don’t care. Stop caring. Let me have my purple lights, green door and yellow mailbox. I want people to mind their own business but notice when someone needs a hand. These are a few of the things I want.

Gratitude

Do you ever take a step back and just look at your life? At your past and present and just realize how thankful you are? For the most random things?

That is happening to me right now. I mean today sucked...first day back from spring break - kill me now - maybe that is why this gratitude is hitting me so hard right now.

• I am thankful I am in Laramie, Wyoming
• I am thankful I am studying anthropology
• I am thankful this is my last full semester of undergrad
• I am thankful for my family and the crazies they are
• I am thankful for past relationships that are no longer - they "growed" me real good and without them I wouldn't be who I am now or have what I have now
• I am thankful that those from my past are happy and growing too because even though it didn't last with us, someone deserved to have them and they deserved someone who made them happy and whole
• I am thankful for my past. Period.
• I am thankful for my now - that I can be a freak with him and not worry because I know he can accept me the way I am even though those from my past couldn't do that without reservations

• I am thankful for new friends who I feel like I have known all my life even though it has only been a very short time
• I am thankful that I have no idea what to do with myself but don't care
• I am thankful that plans change - and people change too
• I am thankful for the glory of sports

• I am thankful I get summer this year for the first time since Summer 2011
• I am thankful that it is my job and I get paid to share my talents
• I am thankful I could have a dog that left such a huge gaping hole in my life when he died

• I am thankful I could become a flaming redhead because I love being a redhead #redhairdon'tcare
• I am thankful for the opportunity to create even if it is something as stupid as a snapchat drawing

Check it. What are you guys thankful for?