I feel like

someone I don't know.

I feel like someone I never wanted to become.
I feel like I'm drowning in the world.
Drowning in my own tears that never stop.
I feel like I am suffocating on the world and the sadness and the despair.
Suffocating on the horrible words and thoughts that I have.
I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore.
I feel like I am out of control. I don't even have any say in the actions I take.
I feel like a monster.
I feel like in the place that I am, I will never be able to go back.
I feel like I am ignoring the things that should be taking up the most time in my heart and mind.
I feel so selfish but don't know how to stop.
I feel so lost.
I feel like I need to get lost to find where I need to be.
I feel like I can't hear.
I feel like someone who says the wrong thing 100% of the time.
I feel like I make it impossible to love me.
I feel like rock bottom isn't low enough.



I wrote this a couple months ago.

There is beauty in our brokenness

I read this post this morning, The Brutally Honest Christmas Card. And it is awesome.

One of the comments below, that I didn't actually read, says "there is beauty in our brokenness".

AMEN.

That post coupled with other things made me seriously appreciate that phrase, "there is beauty in our brokenness".

There really is. And this family took their virtual christmas card as an opportunity to display their brokenness.

I'm sorry everyone, but when I get a christmas card with all the weddings your family had and the missions your children are on, that's great, but not everything.

I appreciate the cards that include the struggles, the ATV crash that put your son in the hospital and knocked out his front teeth.

Those are the ones that express the depth of your life. The aforementioned happy events are just the surface.

The shit we go through is the shit that makes us.

Display that more often, people.

I am absolutely fed up

Hear that? I am absolutely fed up. Maybe more just heartbroken, frustrated and discouraged. Maybe those are better words to describe what I am.

With every passing second our world becomes a less stable, accepting, loving, safe place. How many days have passed since the last mass shooting? Zero. 0. None. That's how many. Do we need to start counting in minutes? How pathetic. Where did our conflict resolution skills go?

What has happened? Why do we trust our leaders less now than before?

So what we have a shit president? What happened to Power to the People? Why haven't we done anything about it? Why can't we do anything about it? What happened to the days where when things were going wrong we could change them as a team, a country?

Why do we trust one another less now than before?

What has happened? Why are we so entitled and selfish and dangerously unaware of those around us and yet so willing to offer our commentary on others?

When did it become acceptable for people to expect things they have neither earned nor deserve? How did it happen?

When did we begin to need validation from individuals we see only once yearly?

When did our sense of worth move from what our parents, teachers, mentors, God and we ourselves thought of us to what acquaintance, stranger, random person you'll never meet thinks of us?

When did we stop respecting our elders? At the rate we are going at the least they can say they didn't singlehandedly destroy all of humanity in a single generation. 

When did some other country's citizens become more important than the men and women who are responsible for this country's freedom?

When did we get so spineless? Why can we not stand up for what we believe without some entitled cretin claiming some PC card?  When did differing opinions become "hate" instead of growth? Get a hold of yourselves, you ignorant swine. 

Why does Dr. Everett Piper, President of Oklahoma Wesleyan University, have to write a blogpost like this?

"This past week, I actually had a student come forward after a university chapel service and complain because he felt “victimized” by a sermon on the topic of 1 Corinthians 13. It appears this young scholar felt offended because a homily on love made him feel bad for not showing love. In his mind, the speaker was wrong for making him, and his peers, feel uncomfortable.

I’m not making this up. Our culture has actually taught our kids to be this self-absorbed and narcissistic. Any time their feelings are hurt, they are the victims. Anyone who dares challenge them and, thus, makes them “feel bad” about themselves, is a “hater,” a “bigot,” an “oppressor,” and a “victimizer.”"

Because we are weak, entitled, selfish, arrogant, ignorant. That is a lethal combination of characteristics. It is despicable. We are a despicable people. We are hateful. We are selfish. We are close minded. We have lost so many valuable lessons from humanity like hard work and unity, conflict resolution, not being an ass to name a few. We are individualistic to a fault. We are judgmental to the worst degree. It is no wonder society is literally crumbling before us all with more hatred and division than ever. What else would anyone expect when we ignore people in need, when non procreating couples are wedded, when we care about no one but ourselves, when the safety, health and wellbeing of our own citizens is put far down on the to do list? What else can you possibly expect?

As of yet I have no idea what I am supposed to do about it all. Seems like a hefty task. But the first step is recognizing you have a problem, right? That's more than millions of entitled little freaks have done. 

Dear Sir,

Dear Sir,

I am sorry. I am sorry for whatever circumstances lead you to this place. I am sorry for the infinite decisions that brought you to this one. I am sorry for the way you have lived your life. I am sorry if someone took away your agency and you could not gain it back. I am sorry for the way your life has played out.

How did it make sense? How could this fulfill the dreams you had for yourself? How could you remove so many good things from this earth in such as short time? How do you feel now? Do you just not think about it? How else could you proceed with the things you have planned to do? Where are your parents?

Do you even know the man whose bidding you are doing? Do you know those you serve with? Do you feel kinship? Do you know the rewards or consequences you will receive because of your actions? Do you understand anything of this? Didn't you have an infinite number of alternatives?

What is the appeal? What draws you to this life? What makes this worth it? Do you know you are rewriting the history books? Do you know you are creating national holidays? Do you know the men and women who feel your wrath? I don't understand, Sir.

I do understand this though. When your time comes to leave this life, you will meet your Maker. You will have to account for the infinite decisions you made. I am sure not all of them will bring your damnation. You can't have been that lost, Sir. But, some will bring your damnation and you will have to carry that burden until you are given another chance. Like others felt your wrath, you will feel the wrath of your Maker who had such hopes for you. Hopes of creation and lifting, not destruction and decay. You will meet those who felt your wrath while you had your agency and you will listen to their stories. You will listen to the experiences you forced upon them and you will carry that burden until you are given another chance.

Sir, it wasn't worth it,

Me

Where I am at now

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck

I am halfway sorry if I offended you with that

that is where I am at. So many things are shfga;hsfkgjbas;kuegf

I just started a graduate degree program at BYU Provo and I hate it. I dont like what I am learning I dont like what the program is training me to do. And like hello? didn't I choose this program because i was interested in it. Yes stupid i did. 

But what i didn't realize was that everything about public health is political. You can't do anything of any importance without involving a law or government of some kind. why? because no one cares. no one will do anything unless legally required. bc people are the worst. well a lot of people are the worst. and mostly when i say people i mean the collective people - no particular individual ya know?

like smoking. Who the F smokes anymore? a lot of people. Why? who the F knows bc everyone and their unborn children know that smoking is one of the worst things you can do to your body. and yet, so many people still smoke. so we pass laws that keep people of certain ages from smoking and keep people from smoking in certain places. oh and btw that doesn't even work. 

smoking rates for underage humans is stupidly high. so there public health. 

its stupid. and if you are poor you will be less healthy than if you were the exact same but rich. so thats stupid. and if you are black or hispanic you will be less healthy than if you were the exact same but white. so thats stupid. and all of these things are society's fault. 

what i have learned is that until we totally restructure society, people will be unhealthy and die earlier. and since i don't have any desire to become president i have limited options. so f that

and graduate school is about research and i dont care about research. and graduate school is about writing articles to be published and i dont care about being published. 

i hate it. but bc of money and a deal ill keep going this semester but if it aint better i swear i am so out of there its ridiculous. 

anyways i guess all of this is really a thank you and appreciation for my best friend bc without him i would be this

instead of just this

(really awesome drawings by the way people)

so thank you love muffin. youre the greatest

Most things are shit

**THIS CONTAINS GRAPHIC THINGS SO DON'T BE SEARCHING IF YOU CAN'T HANLDE IT**


Lately, I have realized that most things nowadays are shit.


End of story. But since that is not a good blog post, I will elaborate.



O I L S P I L L S are shit.

I S I S is shit.

P R I S O N S are shit.

L E A D E R S are shit.

C A M P U S R A P E is shit.

C H I L D S O L D I E R S are shit.

M U R D E R is shit.

R E L I G I O N is shit.

F O O D is shit.

S C H O O L S are shit.

M U S I C is shit.









BUT -


I believe in magic
I believe that one day
or maybe even today

we                    can

see

God's Grandeur.

The world is charged with the grandeur of God.

    It will flame out, like shining from shook foil;

    It gathers to a greatness, like the ooze of oil

Crushed. Why do men then now not reck his rod?

Generations have trod, have trod, have trod;

    And all is seared with trade; bleared, smeared with toil;

    And wears man's smudge and shares man's smell: the soil

Is bare now, nor can foot feel, being shod.

And for all this, nature is never spent;

    There lives the dearest freshness deep down things;

And though the last lights off the black West went

    Oh, morning, at the brown brink eastward, springs —

Because the Holy Ghost over the bent

    World broods with warm breast and with ah! bright wings.

-Hopkins

No one told me that I would not enjoy this:

So I am getting married soon.

There's a lot of stuff that goes into it.

No one told me a lot of this stuff. No one told me that I would have to try on the dress a million times. No one told me I would get hives all over my body for the majority of the two months prior. No one told me that I wouldn't be able to find earrings for my triple forward helix that would look good for a wedding. No one told me that I would have to go to the store 5,019 times the week of. No one told me I would have nightly panic attacks. No one told me that it would be 50+ degrees for weeks before and then snow buckets the day before pictures. No one told me I would have to talk to people left, right, and center. No one told me that floral tape makes your hands feel disgusting. No one told me that everyone would have opinions about things that don't even concern them. No one told me I would have to be the center of attention. No one told me I should fake liking being the center of attention. No one told me that I would not sleep well for days. No one told me Christopher and I would get grumpier and grumpier as the days got closer. No one told me I would have to jump through all sorts of stupid hoops. No one told me to elope.

No one told me I would be fairly unhappy through this process.


THAT BEING SAID: I am not ungrateful. I am the opposite. I am so excited to marry the greatest human ever. I am so thankful that I can do all of these things that others never get to experience. No matter how it happens, I am glad it is happening.

The Perfect vs My Perfect

I was sitting somewhere last night and a thought struck me. It was a thought about the perfect and my perfect. Because those aren't the same.

Some years ago I had my perfect. It wasn't perfect for anyone else...I'm pretty sure most people wouldn't have been as happy with what what going on in my life (I mean hello? Who wants this?) but it was my version of perfect. I was so happy.

Fast forward a year or two and I had the perfect. It was picturesque. Doing above average in school, taking summer classes and working. Killing it in lacrosse. Return missionary boyfriend who I read conference talks with every week. Wonderful friends. Going to wedding showers and baby showers for those friends. It wasn't bad. I enjoyed myself and I was mostly happy with my life and friends and whatnot. But it wasn't my perfect. I thought it was what I wanted out of life and in some ways it was...but in the most important ways it was just the perfect and not my perfect.

My point is that the perfect, the ideal is not and could never be my perfect, my ideal. Mine is usually a much more difficult road than the perfect. 

And that is why I am strong.

Gratitude

Do you ever take a step back and just look at your life? At your past and present and just realize how thankful you are? For the most random things?

That is happening to me right now. I mean today sucked...first day back from spring break - kill me now - maybe that is why this gratitude is hitting me so hard right now.

• I am thankful I am in Laramie, Wyoming
• I am thankful I am studying anthropology
• I am thankful this is my last full semester of undergrad
• I am thankful for my family and the crazies they are
• I am thankful for past relationships that are no longer - they "growed" me real good and without them I wouldn't be who I am now or have what I have now
• I am thankful that those from my past are happy and growing too because even though it didn't last with us, someone deserved to have them and they deserved someone who made them happy and whole
• I am thankful for my past. Period.
• I am thankful for my now - that I can be a freak with him and not worry because I know he can accept me the way I am even though those from my past couldn't do that without reservations

• I am thankful for new friends who I feel like I have known all my life even though it has only been a very short time
• I am thankful that I have no idea what to do with myself but don't care
• I am thankful that plans change - and people change too
• I am thankful for the glory of sports

• I am thankful I get summer this year for the first time since Summer 2011
• I am thankful that it is my job and I get paid to share my talents
• I am thankful I could have a dog that left such a huge gaping hole in my life when he died

• I am thankful I could become a flaming redhead because I love being a redhead #redhairdon'tcare
• I am thankful for the opportunity to create even if it is something as stupid as a snapchat drawing

Check it. What are you guys thankful for?

Dirty Rotten Son of a Bitch

Pardon that...but seriously.

Where is the loyalty? Where is the integrity? Where is the self-respect? You think you know somebody.

I thought he had it. I guess not. Breaking my heart.

I can't even describe how sad I am.

Imagine your best friend who has never let you down. He has never been anything but the best. He has been reliable and constant and trustworthy.

Now imagine that person stabbing you in the back. He doesn't even have the decency to be open and upfront about it. You find out the horrible thing he is agreeing to over Twitter.

It sucks, huh?

My mom says my dad and I are being ridiculous. But she doesn't understand. She really doesn't

I am going to rant for a few minutes about the Red Sox...

Seriously?

You go through an entire regular season with stats like you do and then you get to the post season and make the dumbass mistakes that you are making??

Good golly. Let's stop giving Detroit no-hitters and strike-outs like they're candy, why don't we?

Let's watch the ball....

YOU ARE KILLIN ME SMALLS!!



Rant over. Let's do this ISH!

Migraines

I want to try and describe how migraines feel. I know they are different for everyone who gets them, but I want to try and paint even a small picture of what a migraine feels like for those who are lucky enough not to have to endure them.

To begin, we will quote "KD" from Yahoo answers:

"pain like nothing I've ever felt began in the back of my head and it hurt so bad I couldn't cry and when I tried to move, it felt like the only thing that would alleviate the pain was to chop my head off.

I tried to drink some water and within minutes, I began projectile vomitting. I ended up passing out from the pain. I couldn't talk and there was drool coming out of my mouth. Forget about crying from the pain because that would have caused my head to move and that would have been way too painful.

I kept thinking that I needed someone to chop my head off because it was so painful."

That is just the beginning...there are lots more awesome things that happen while "migraining".

Personally, here is how it usually happens for me:

I wake up at 3:00 am on a Saturday night/Sunday morning. I have a blinding headache that explodes when I open my eyes, when I close my eyes, when I roll over, when I stand up. Explosions all over. I try to fall back asleep but its kind of hard when land mines go off every 32 seconds inside your skull. especially behind your eyes. Not conducive to sleep. 

The only thing that lessens it for me enough to fall back asleep is to get in the shower. So I take whatever pain killers I have and then get into the shower. Lights off, because lights are pretty much the worst thing besides moving. so I sit on the floor of the shower, in the dark, letting the sound of the water soothe the migraine out of me enough for me to fall asleep. That usually takes about 40 minutes. It's nice, thats when I feel the best. Then when I think I can stand up and get out of the shower, and go back to bed I do. 

Certain sounds make me want to vomit while I'm migraining. It's weird. Like that annoying beeping when a truck backs up makes me feel like someone is playing with my uvula. Plenty of sounds make you want to retch. 

Another thing I experience: a craving for diet coke. I don't drink soda and I haven't since I was a sophomore in high school. But when I get a migraine I crave diet coke. (And another thing: I hate diet coke, I think it tastes like soap). I want it. I know it will help. So if there is someone nice enough to get me one I will drink it. 

Anyway...that is just a small part of the migraine experience. Hopefully you never have to endure one!

Shut the world out...Ignore the world within?

Do you ever just feel like you have to shut the world around you out? Like the things that are happening around you are too much to handle and they might destroy you under their weight?

*LIKE THIS*  (<--those people probably are from Wyoming...)

Well that happened tonight. I just couldn't take it and it was too much. So I gathered myself up, put my headphones in, turned on the best pandora station ever, and went on a walk.

I think I couldn't handle the world inside myself either. I was raging mad. Over a stupid thing that I REALLY shouldn't waste my time on. But still. The thoughts and feelings were seriously pissing me off. I needed to ignore them.

So I shut the world out, ignored the world within and just walked. Man it was wonderful. I just listened and sang to my Mumford and Muse and Phillips, while escaping the terrors of the world at the moment. I strolled like a boss through campus, leaving a trail of problems with the steps I took.

I walked to the library to return my movies, then to the tute to play the piano. It was so wonderful. I just released it all and healed those bummers. Those bummers be gone!!

For now.

I'll probably be angry over that thing again in like 24 minutes, but who cares!?

I just love the power of music and nature. It really is the panacea of the world. That and baseball. But really, any issues I am having can be solved by putting my headphones in and walking (or I could take my lovely Jasper now). That fixes it.

It is even better now as well. All the students have gone home for the summer. It is even quieter and calmer and more desolate than normal. Peaceful. I loved it.

On a brighter note, I feel such great things coming from this summer. This summer may change my life. I think it will. I think I will let it. This summer will leave me a better person than it found me. I really think it will.

Let the summer come. Let it bring with it all the wonder and joy and if I must fail this summer I hope I fail gloriously.

I await summer with open arms, an open mind, and an open heart.

It is going to be good

Finals Week Approaches

Ah finals week. That week where 4 months of knowledge is compiled in a few sheets of paper. How is that an accurate gauge of learning? I think it is not. But, alas, I don't determine that stuff. Other people far "wiser" than I do. 

Finals week is the hardest, most stressful, exhausting week of the semester. The week preceding it (this coming week) also sucks. It is when you (should) prepare for those tests. It is hours of reviewing, memorizing, relearning, learning for the first time 4 months of knowledge. Again, how is that logical? 

Anyway, I like to write myself up a little inspirational document to get jazzed for finals week. It is usually a combination of youtube videos, pins from Pinterest, quotes from famous people and apostles/prophets, and scriptures. If you are super lucky and I like you a lot and want you to do well on your finals as well I may just send it to you...but most likely not...or maybe

Here is what this semesters contained:

If you replace "riding your bike" with "pass your finals" it is enough to get anyone to do well

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind"
2 Timothy 1:7


God hath not given you the spirit of fear. That comes from the adversary. The Lord has given you the power of love, and a sound mind; the power of the priesthood, the power of your call, love for the gospel which you teach, for the people you teach, and for the Lord.


"And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order."Mosiah 4:27


Just take things one day at a time, otherwise you'll become overwhelmed.-Gordon B. Hinckley, Stand A Little Taller

There's more, but I should really get back to finishing my 23 page paper on human femur measurements. 

KY - SIGNING OFF

And this is why Kylee doesn't like the ocean...

How Shark Attacks Work


On another note...I got a longboard today!!!!


I LOVE IT. Here it is!!!!

We are just getting to know each other, but I see wonderful things in our future. Now I can roll around in style to classes cause the weather is sorta getting good.

And since I will be here for most of the summer, it will be awesome to have this board to use. GOSH I AM SO EXCITED!!!!

We went on our first ride this afternoon and except for the fact that my left calf is tighter than something that is really tight, IT WAS AWESOME.

An assignment for my class: part II

Humitrophis – I have no idea what the actual word for these things are. They are the little glass stone things that are put in jars and bowls as decoration and stuff. When my sister was a toddler she decided they were called humitrophises. It was great. She loved to play with them and my other siblings and I learned to love playing with them as well. We spent an embarrassing amount of time when we were kids playing with those little glass stone things. Whenever I see one I resist the urge to take it and play with it like I used to.

Baseball – Until recently, my brother and baseball were one in the same. I have gone to more baseball games than most 19-year old girls. My brother played middle infield and occasionally outfield. I idolized him growing up so I loved baseball. I love it still. Baseballs remind me of Christian. They always will.

White dresses and Blue blazers – Sounds like a wedding right? Well it is not. It was my high school graduation. I went to a private school so we didn’t do the whole cap and gown thing. The girls wore white dresses (knee-length or longer with sleeves!) and the boys wore khakis, a white collared shirt, and a blue blazer with the Waterford patch on the pocket. I did not cry during my graduation, but I got close. I had known my peers for years and years, some since I was 2 or 3. We were also the first class at Waterford where everyone who began the year ended it and graduated in years and years. Teachers couldn’t remember the last time a whole class graduated together. I will be in a store and see a white dress and think to myself “That would have been a good dress for graduation”.

My youngest sister has a very slow paced walk. Her heels touch first. Her head and shoulders are upright and straight. Her eyes are generally up, not looking at the ground as she steps. She has long legs so her steps are very long. Her arms slightly sway along her sides.

My sister is active, she moves a lot, even when seated. She grew up with almost all male friends, she plays on a boys baseball team so she has some mannerisms or characteristics that one would associate with boys like the way she sits and runs. She uses her face a lot to express herself.

My sister has a youthful voice. I noticed she emphasizes consonants a lot. More so than your average person.  When she is frustrated her voice elevates in volume and pitch.

When my sister walks into the kitchen, her first response is to look for food.

I see that my sister has some food on her face and it looks like she hasn’t brushed her hair in a while. Her nails are pink and blue. She has swirly earrings. She is young.

I have short steps since I have short legs. I have short arms so they swing a lot. My head projects forward when I walk.

When I stand it is apparent how short my arms are. As when I am walking, my head projects forward. Usually I cross one leg behind the other weight-bearing leg.

When I sit, I move a lot because of my back problems. I generally lean back in the chair unless there is a table and then I rest elbows/head on table. Sometimes I cross one leg under the other.

When I speak, I use equal long words and then rapid shorter words that rise in pitch during the points I want to emphasize.

I use the words/phrases:

Grow up

Junk

I don’t see a problem with that

Ain’t nobody got time for that

Poop. Everywhere, always

I really like the words:

Junk

Kylee

I sound a lot like my sisters. Well, they sound a lot like me since I came first.

I think others perceive me as short, compact, confident – because I keep my head up, I strut a little. I keep eye contact; I have bold/confident mannerisms like that. 

An assignment for my class: part I

Mac 'n Ramen – Growing up, my parents both worked so we had a nanny or my older siblings took care of us younger siblings. The go to meal was Kraft macaroni and cheese. One day, my older brother mixed Kraft Macaroni and Ramen. That then was the go to meal and I still eat it as a college student. The mixed fake cheese and fake chicken flavoring smell reminds me of my childhood. Yummy.

Grandparents - I can recognize my grandparents smell anywhere. It smells dusty, a little floral, like old people, and like Vaseline lotion. I have a scarf that my grandmother crocheted for me and every time I wear it I smell their house. It makes me happy.

Hospital – I hate the smell of the hospital. You rarely ever get good new there. It’s awful. It smells like medicine, illness, old people, white, false cleanliness (even though you can't possibly imagine the awful stuff everywhere, always). It reminds me of the day I was there when I was 15 years old and they told me I had 2 herniated discs in my back and Degenerative Disc Disease. They said I wouldn’t play sports again. I didn’t cry until I got home and was making Ramen noodles. I hate the smell of hospitals.

My trampoline – So many good memories (some including injuries) have happened on my trampoline. I remember my first back flip out there and the countless attempts at a perfect back flip 180. The times we would put the sprinkler by the tramp and dump dish soap so the surface became a huge, bubbly, slip and slide. That trampoline defines my childhood.

Harley Davidson – My dad has had Harleys since before I was born. So many of his shirts are from various Harley shops around the country. I can picture the way he lets his beard grow out when he’s taking a Harley trip to Yellowstone, Sturgis, or the Grand Canyon. I got my Harley license the year I graduated high school and now we can ride them together, with me not as a passenger. Harleys will ALWAYS remind me of my father.

Scratches on the Suburban tail light – This was my first car accident. Oh dear, it was terrible. It was the December after I got my license in August. I was going to go Christmas shopping with my cousin, Taylor. It was nighttime and I was reversing out of the garage to go pick her up. I couldn’t see the mailbox. I backed into it and it basically exploded. There were bricks up to 15 feet away. No one was home, my parents were in a movie and I couldn’t get a hold of them. I had a panic attack and cried and called my brother. He rushed home and laughed when he saw the mailbox. It was a shocking experience for me, but I smile when I think about it now.

Rusty and Rosie – These were the little rodent characters (I don’t know what animal they actually are) that were used by the elementary school that I went to to teach children various concepts. They had VHS movies we would watch and CDs to listen to. I can still sing many of the songs from Rusty and Rosie. I probably learned a lot from them and when my little sisters listen to the CD’s I can sing along.

The Beatles – When I hear any Beatles songs I think of my dad. End of story. The Beatles are the soundtrack to our car rides and Harley trips. Whether it be CD’s, iTunes, or Youtube videos I have heard every Beatles song ever. Beatles make me think of my dad.

Crowd cheering for me – When I was a senior in high school I was the varsity point guard until I broke my finger and had to get surgery. The night before I got surgery we had a home game and I was in a splint and bandaged up. I got my parents, the athletic trainer, and the coaches permission to play for a little bit since I was getting surgery the next day and they could just fix any more damage anyway. Well I played a little at the beginning of the game and then my coach took me out. In the fourth quarter, with just 2 or 3 minutes left, our entire fan section started cheering “WE WANT KYLEE! WE WANT KYLEE!”. My coach looked and me and said, "Get in there". I finished the last few minutes of my last ever game. That sound of the crowd still brings me to tears when I think about it. It was incredible.

Why is it the older we get, the more cynical we become?

Seriously. Why?

You hear people say all the time something to the effect of "Now I'm old and cynical, but you are young and still believe! Stay that way! Stay young and hopeful!"

I hear it from my theater teacher about every other week. I went to the Mission Prep class on thursday and heard the same thing. The teacher told a story about how he was an older missionary with a new companion. They had just met this guy who didn't believe in God, but still let them in his home. They shared a message and then asked if they could come back. The guy said yeah, sure and as they left, this older companion was thinking we are never going to get another appointment with him, he was just being nice. I've seen this a million times before, nothing is going to come out of this. At the same time the younger companion was super jazzed saying we are going to baptize this guy! It's going to be awesome!

At this point, the teacher said to the young hopefuls in the class, if it weren't for the hope and faith of my young companion, this man wouldn't have received the truth. I got a call last year saying he was baptized. Stay faithful and hopeful in the work of the Lord. 

Perfect example. I am not pointing fingers and saying that he was totally wrong in getting older and becoming accustomed to the disappointments of life. Nearly everyone does it. I am guilty. But why???

Why do we remember the heartbreak, disappointment, discouragement that life brings? Why do we let those negative things shape us and our futures? Why don't we remember the tender mercies, the miracles, the happiness, the love, the good fortune? Why don't we become more optimistic and hopeful as time goes on, since we have seen so many good things come our way?

I think that is why it says so often in scriptures to be as little children. 

• Luke 18:17
• 17 Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein.
• Matthew 18:4
• 4 Whosoever therefore shall ^ahumble himself as this little ^bchild, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
• First Corinthians 13 even states this principle exactly:
• 11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
• 12 For now we see through a ^aglass, ^bdarkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
• 13 And now abideth ^afaith, ^bhope, ^ccharity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

• Mosiah 3:19
• 19 For the ^anatural ^bman is an ^cenemy to God, and has been from the ^dfall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he ^eyieldsto the enticings of the ^fHoly Spirit, and ^gputteth off the ^hnaturalman and becometh a ⁱsaint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a ^jchild, ^ksubmissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

Fascinating. That is also probably why we are referred to as the CHILDREN OF GOD so often as well.  I want to change. I want to become as a child. Really become as a child. One who believes easily, hopes for all things, remembers the good over the bad. 

I want to be that person who sees the world through rose colored glasses and gets more optimistic, faithful, hopeful as time passes. 

That is what I want to try for. Do it with me.