Noel the hamster

This is the story of Noel.

I started graduate school the end of August 2015. By about October 1st, 2015, I was over school. It was not at all what I expected, I was not enjoying the stuff I was learning. I was unhappy. Because I didn't think I should quit school, I had to find another way to solve my problem. So I got a hamster.

My husband was so sick of me moping around being sad that he immediately agreed. So we went to the pet store, picked out a cage, food, shavings and finally a hamster. As the lady was handing us hamsters to hold and see if it felt right (or something), I dropped one of them. They are so super speedy and so dang small that they just slip right outta your palm. Well this one hit the hard floor and sort of seemed stunned. I figured "you break it you buy it" right? So we bought her! The lady at the store did say that if she seemed damaged from that fall we could bring her back.

Anyways, the one we chose was a Winter White hamster. These hamsters are native to Mongolia and as their name indicates, they turn from grey to white during the winter for camouflage. It is so cool! So we chose her and the woman says, these hamsters are prone to diabetes, so don't feed her lots of sugary treats. I'm thinking, "I don't know if I am ready for a diabetic hamster, but the little tag says "beginner level" hamster and I dropped her, so I think I have to go with this..." So we go to the cashier.

As we are checking out, the woman looks at the shavings I chose and says, did she tell you about these shavings? I say no and she says that these little hamsters can also get something like asthma so you want unscented gentle shavings. At this point I'm wondering if I can handle a diabetic, asthmatic hamster but I go and switch shaving brands and we spend something like $80 on a hamster, hamster cage, shavings, food, and toys. Not a bad price for happiness through graduate school.

We were living at my parents so as we drive home I am planning how to sneak this hamster into the house in between a discussion about what to name her. Because she is a Winter White and it's turning to winter we are thinking of wintery names and we decide on Noel. I think it is perfect. We plan to walk in through the garage door instead of the front door and just sneak her down into the guest area of the basement where she will stay with us. We plan that in a few months, we will reveal that we have had a hamster and everyone will laugh. Well as we are walking from the garage into the house, my parents are walking from the house to the garage.

It is super hard to hide a big hamster cage box behind your back. I think the exchange went something like this:

Kylee: "She's a therapy animal for me!"

Dad: "Is that an animal?!"

Christopher: "It’s a coping mechanism"

Kylee: "You'll never even know she's here! And also, you haven't even seen her yet. She is so cute!!!"

They were fine with it, and Noel even lived in the kitchen for her whole life so everyone could enjoy her. She even stayed in the kitchen when I found another cage to add on to hers for only $7 at Savers! So that is two hamster cages, connected by a little tube for one tiny animal the size of a golf ball, sitting on the kitchen counter for over a year.

Throughout the next year, she did her job perfectly. Anytime I was so annoyed with school or frustrated with my homework I would just play with little Noel. Sometimes all I had to do was look at her and I felt better.

She was such a little character. Every time I filled up her food bowl she would immediately shove 75% of it in her cheeks, walk into her little blue igloo that she loved, and spit all of the food out. She would also climb the bars of her house so that you could scratch her belly through the slots. Everyone loved her. She was a favorite.

Fast forward to November 2016. We liked to let her run around in her little plastic ball in our living room because there is a step leading into it, meaning she can't roll out of it. Well my husband decided to let her run around one day in the ball in the living room and then sort of forgot about her. That could be fine, but the lid of the little ball can come loose and then fall off as she runs around.

Well, this did happen and we went into the living room about 4 hours after my husband had put her there to find an empty hamster ball. She can climb up the step out of the living room and so I thought she was gone. I thought she had just run her little self into one of the nooks and crannies of the house and I'd never see her again. I was so sad. In a display of dramatic emotion I dropped to my knees and cried. I was so sad. We looked and looked and I even brought my dog, Mowgli, in the house and said find Noel! We looked and looked for about 20 minutes but couldn't find her.  

I looked in one last place, behind a couch in the living room. We put our violins, guitars and our bags with music in them behind this couch. So I lift up one of the bags that is leaning against a violin and there she is. Noel had found a little space to curl up and sleep. She was just taking a nap under this bag. When I lifted up the bag, she was so surprised that she raised her head looking up at this sudden bright light and just tumbled backwards onto her back. It was the cutest thing I have ever seen and I was so happy.

In wondering why I was so sad, I realized that, selfishly, I still had about a month left of school and I needed her to be here for that. All hope of me finishing my graduate degree was tied to this little ball of fur. She was the only way I could accomplish this task. I think she understood this with a perfect knowledge. She knew that her job was to be my friend, my companion until I had finished graduate school.

Fast forward again to December 13th, the Tuesday of finals week. I have just a few days left until I have earned my masters degree. I woke up as usual, and greeted her in the kitchen as I always do. I noticed that she was acting weird. Her eyes were half shut and she was hunched over like her stomach hurt. I looked at her food and it was totally full from when I filled it the day before. I got kind of worried, but had to get going with my day so I said hello, I love you, I'll be back to check on you.

By the time I got back Tuesday night, she was not doing well. She seemed worse. I took her out of her cage, got a hot pad, some apple sauce to try and get her to eat. She was not doing well. I cried and I cried. She seemed so miserable, but that was not the reason I was crying. Selfishly, I needed her to stick around. I had a final the next morning and I wasn't going to do well if she wasn't alive. By the time I went to bed on Tuesday, I thought I would wake up to little Noel, no longer alive in her cage. The thought terrified me, but I told her that if she needed to let go of this life that she could. She didn't need to stick around for me, that I would be ok. I think she knew that I wouldn't be ok, so she kept fighting.

Wednesday morning, I got up as usual and went about my business in the kitchen, refusing to look in the cage. I couldn't bear it. As I was going about, I saw a little head peek out of her igloo. I was so relieved. She was still alive. She still seemed miserable, but I was so glad she was alive. Now I would do fine on my final! I went and did do well on my final.

When I got back on Wednesday night, I was done with finals. I had completed everything I had to do. Noel was still alive and seemed ok. I had done everything I could to help her tummy feel better, but she wasn't getting better. She wouldn't eat, wouldn't drink. It was breaking my heart. Now I knew I was done with finals and she could be done. She had accomplished her task. She knew before I did that I was not done.

Turns out, I had one last thing to do. I got an email from a professor about a problem with a final I had turned in on Tuesday that I could fix. I hadn't decided whether or not I would fix it, since I could fail the final and still pass the class. Not a good mindset, but there you have it. I put it off, not sure if I would do it. All the while Noel stayed sick. She got a little better Friday morning, eating the apple sauce voluntarily, and moving more freely around her cage. I had high hopes that she would get better, but when I got home Friday afternoon, she had deteriorated again. I asked myself, “Why hasn’t she died? Why is she still fighting?” It was breaking my heart.

The only thing I could think to do was to fix that final. I had to do that, so that Noel could pass on. So Saturday, I took Noel and put her next to me as I typed out the missing part of my final. She stayed with me as I worked on it and about an hour later I was done. She was so weak at this point, and she wouldn’t open her eyes at all. I pretty much held onto her all day long. Just keeping her cupped against my belly as I read, watched TV, made macaroni and cheese. I told her that I was thankful for all that she had done for me. I was thankful that she fought so hard to stay with me so that I could finish that last, unforeseen final. I told her she was the reason I could get through graduate school. I just kept wondering if, now that I was done with my graduate school path, she would pass on.

In 8th grade, you learn about the idea of dharma. This is the idea of your duty, you reason for being. It is the reason you exist in this time and place. Even though I don’t think I ever explicitly told my hamster that she was helping me through school, she knew it. She sensed it. Because she understood her dharma, she held on for 5 horrible days during her sickness so that she could, absolutely and completely, fulfill her purpose. Between 8:30 and 9:00 pm that saturday night, Noel passed away, snuggled in my hand.

I aspire to be like Noel. She suffered, she struggled until the last moment so that she could do her duty. I want to first, know what my duty is in this life and second, to do that until my last breath.

Me as a parent

I see pins on Pinterest that are like how to get your kid to eat and why girls are harder to potty train than boys and that completely ridiculous games I don't let my kids play one or whatever and I just think, how stupid is that.

Back in the day (I am really not sure what day that was exactly) kids (and everyone) ate when they were hungry or when food was offered to them, went to the bathroom when they needed to and played whatever games they thought up.

So I am not a mother and I realize the total lack of credibility I have when I say all of this, but from where I sit now, here is how I will parent.

I guess the premise of all of these is that kids are not idiots. They lack knowledge, yes, but they are not idiots. They have a basic sense of survival that they don't get to exercise all that often these days.

If my kid won't eat, that is fine. I'll continue to offer them food and then when their tiny body is either going to pass into a starvation coma or they are going to eat, they'll eat.

If my kid resists potty training...on second thought...I don't think I'll potty train. I'll show my kids how everyone else goes to the bathroom with a toilet and when they are sick of sitting in their own nasty, they'll go to the bathroom in a toilet.

I will not buy my kids shoes until after they are walking - shoes are not an accessory and they aren't even a need or beneficial most of the time.

I got this one from my mom, but I will never lie to them about their performance in something. If they played horribly in their game or recital and they ask...I will tell them. They are not made of fragile glass that cam be shattered at the smallest whisper of hones feedback. If they sucked, I will inform them of that fact. I do not want to be the source of their value, self-worth, yaddayaddayadda...They will earn both their wins and their losses with their efforts and performance not my uttering stupid and false compliments at them. None of this everyone is a winner garbage. You win and you lose. Sometimes you win when you deserve to lose and sometimes you lose when you deserve to win. Learn from it either way.

I will not prohibit my kids from developing all parts of themselves. That means making for them, decisions they have the capacity to make for themselves. That means keeping them from climbing up the wrong side of the slide or climbing trees or playing without shoes on. They have the ability to make decisions and learn the consequences themselves. Sure, I know that if they are too small and try to climb up the tree further than their small body allows them to safely, they might fall and break something but they don't know that. Yeah yeah I will be the one footing the bill so I may be singing a different tune when that becomes a reality...but from my armchair that's what I am going with. They get to learn that firsthand. Not because mom tells them that and won't let them. Ugh.

Think of it this way - you wouldn't withhold food from them to keep their bodies small and cute, so why do so many parents withhold mental food from their kids to keep their brains tiny and cute? School isn't the only mental food out there folks! Making decisions and climbing too high and all that, is mental food. It grows their tiny cute brains into bigger cute brains.

I am not going to make up stupid names for body parts. Girls have vaginas and boys have penises and testicles and both have nipples. My kids will know that as soon as they are learning where their noses and ears and eyes are. If my kids are the ones teaching other kids those things at school...at least they are teaching factually sound information and not the combination of lies, myths, media and childhood curiosity that most kids are getting. You're welcome other parents...hate me if you want.

I am not going to baby them. They are humans who have the right to learn and grow and make mistakes and make good decisions and develop a pattern for their life. Who am I to steal that from them?

A Letter I Will Never Send

Assignment 1: Write a letter you will never send.

Hello,

It's me. I was wondering if after all this time you'd like to read this letter I am writing you. Well too bad b/c I ain't sending it. I am writing it for my blog.

It's been a while. This is actually hard even though I know you will never read this. We used to be friends. I'd like to say I don't really know what happened, but I think I do. We met in what, 8th grade? Is that when you started at my school? Or was it earlier. It seems earlier, but I think it might have been 8th grade. I'll go look at a yearbook to see...hold on.

Ok, I am back. Yeah. 8th grade. Weird. Anyways. We got along like fast friends. Which is weird looking back now, because we had basically nothing in common. You were a musician, artsy type who didn't do sports. And I was an athlete. It doesn't make a lot of sense. I don't know why you changed (or if that's the way you were and I just didn't know it?) that year. You hung out with some weird kids who....were weird.

I knew they weren't a good influence on anyone. Definitely not you. You were so unsure of yourself and very influenceable. Very influenceable. I never told you that, I don't think. And I definitely didn't tell you that that pissed the hell outta me. Still does (not necessarily about you, but people in general - like believe in something and stick with it for goodness sake, gain your own identity already).

I am not sure if it was always in you or if they introduced it to you, but you changed. Your interests changed from whatever it was we did (we wrote a fictional book about our lives, had sleepovers and talked about taco...haha remember that? So dreamy in a piss you off can't stand him kind of way). You did other activities and you began to cut yourself (or is it self harm these days?). Regardless, I didn't get it. I couldn't understand. I knew it was not a good use of anyone's time. It made me royally uncomfortable. I even went to the school psychologist. And told my mom. She was fairly good friend with your mom b/c our siblings were similar ages and friends and whatnot.

I gave you chances. I told you to stop and figure some stuff out. You kept up with those friends. You kept cutting. I told you again (or maybe not). I know that I gave you an ultimatum and said if I found out you were still doing it, that I was done. I couldn't handle the second hand stress you were exposing me to.

Looking back I would handle it differently. But I have almost 10 years more life experience now so it isn't really fair to my 13 year old self. I still don't know why that all happened.

After that we really did end our friendship. I ended our relationship, I guess. We were still civil and spoke and were friendly acquaintances, but our antics and sleepovers and secret sharing stopped. You stayed friends with those weirdos for a while - did theater with them. One of them ended up killing himself, if I remember correctly. Seeing it now, I think that was the fate I feared for you and so removed myself from the potential pain before it became a reality.

Then in high school, I left to a different school for 11th grade and rumors flew that you had sex with the aforementioned individual we dubbed taco. Even though we weren't friends at that point I was pretty disappointed, one because it was totally believable and I thought it was true (I still have NO idea if it is or not and I don't really care), and two because you knew how I felt about him (or in my head you did...again, looking back I see there was no reason for you to think that my feelings that began in 8th grade had continued for 3 years). You broke girl code, if that exists.

I had just learned that you were always going to disappoint me. I would always have this idea of what you could be in my mind. That person was awesome. But you got further and further from it as time passed. Yet again, in hindsight, I was self-righteous and unforgiving. I was unfair to you. I had no real reason to expect you to be anything other than what you were/are.

I am sorry. We have grown up and grown apart. I left Utah and you left Utah for college. We don't talk and haven't since 10th or 11th grade. Now I am married and you are married. You seem happy, healthy and normal as anyone is.

Maybe that twisted winding path was the one you needed to end up in a good place. I am sorry for the judgement and abandonment. I was wrong in a lot that I did.

I know I am recalling this through the faded memories of 10 years, but I think it is mostly accurate. Again, I am sorry.

Kylee

Losing your faith is not "brave"

Do you know what really chaps my khakis?

When people writing touching blog posts to tell the world how they so bravely lost their faith and left the church that was holding their minds captive.

What a load of horseshit, people.

That is not brave. Letting doubt overcome is not brave. They're all idiots. IDIOTS.

Now, I am not saying that the LDS Church or any church is worth staying in. I am not saying that you can't lose your faith/trust/belief in a church (a manmade entity). But to lose your FAITH. Like the actual thing that is inside of you and makes your life purposeful.

It seems pretty darn clear to me that God doesn't care what "church" you are baptized in or attend every Sunday. He is far more concerned with what "church" you are a member of in your heart.

53 And who overcome by faith, and are sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise, which the Father sheds forth upon all those who are just and true.

54 They are they who are the church of the Firstborn.

So when you lose that faith that God gave you because you let doubt overpower everything else, you are not brave. You didn't come out of a brainwashed stupor. You were weak and did not rely on God to lift you. You let that manmade entity destroy you. *claps* Good work, soldier.

Good thing God is merciful and we get to do this over and over again until we get it right.

1 Year Anniversary

Today is our first wedding anniversary. It has gone by faster than any year in my life probably. So fast.

**Thank you Lindsay Ross for coming out of wedding photography retirement for me and doing our wedding pics!! **

We were talking this morning and had a hard time figuring out what we've even done for the last 365 days...

We came up with some things that we remember.

We went on a Christmas Cruise to the Caribbean.

We bought a trailer and fixed it up.

He worked firefighting over the summer. 

I got into grad school and started my MPH program.

I worked as a CNA.

He started school again in January.

We went to Boise, ID to visit my sister. 

We went to St. George the day we got married. 

We camped in the backyard for a while in the tent my aunt gave us for our wedding. 

We had a brunch reception that was the greatest thing ever, if I may say so myself.

**Thank you Megan Klindt Photography for the reception photos!!**

We drove each other bonkers a million times.

We tried a piña colada in Mexico. ew

He's gotten sick about 3 times. I've gotten sick about 1 time (not including cruise sea sickness).

I worked as a tutor and lacrosse coach for a school here.

We've watched a lot of movies.

We started LOST on Netflix.

We fought over bed space probably 200 nights of those 365.

We planted and grew a garden.

He is learning how to make fried eggs without popping the yolks. 

We ate a lot of macaroni and cheese. 

We've started doing P90X Yoga. <-- killer

He missed out on some great family vacays b/c of work. 

He's done some fishing with gpa. 

We've named all of our unborn children....jk, but we have noted our fave names as they have appeared.

We got a hamster named Noel. 

He bought a Harley...and is selling it :)

I went to Chicago for the annual American Public Health Association conference.

We've grown a million % over the last year.



TBCH this first year has not been easy or even that fun sometimes. Marriage takes a lot of adjusting and it was completely miserable and was basically the worst thing ever at times throughout the last year. But it was all worth and and hopefully it is true that the first year is the hardest haha..

But for all the suckiness and misery, I wouldn't change anything about this. I know that my partner is the best for me and that anyone else would have made a run for it. He is perfection for me.

Happy 1st Anniversary my love!

Why can't parents let their kids learn?

This kills me:


http://pintsizedtreasures.com/games-my-kids-are-not-allowed-to-play/

Here is my mom's response to that:


http://thisiswhatwecallablog.blogspot.com/2016/02/s-i-let-my-kids-and-their-friends-do.html

I feel like

someone I don't know.

I feel like someone I never wanted to become.
I feel like I'm drowning in the world.
Drowning in my own tears that never stop.
I feel like I am suffocating on the world and the sadness and the despair.
Suffocating on the horrible words and thoughts that I have.
I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore.
I feel like I am out of control. I don't even have any say in the actions I take.
I feel like a monster.
I feel like in the place that I am, I will never be able to go back.
I feel like I am ignoring the things that should be taking up the most time in my heart and mind.
I feel so selfish but don't know how to stop.
I feel so lost.
I feel like I need to get lost to find where I need to be.
I feel like I can't hear.
I feel like someone who says the wrong thing 100% of the time.
I feel like I make it impossible to love me.
I feel like rock bottom isn't low enough.



I wrote this a couple months ago.