Assignment 1: Write a letter you will never send.
Hello,
It's me. I was wondering if after all this time you'd like to read this letter I am writing you. Well too bad b/c I ain't sending it. I am writing it for my blog.
It's been a while. This is actually hard even though I know you will never read this. We used to be friends. I'd like to say I don't really know what happened, but I think I do. We met in what, 8th grade? Is that when you started at my school? Or was it earlier. It seems earlier, but I think it might have been 8th grade. I'll go look at a yearbook to see...hold on.
Ok, I am back. Yeah. 8th grade. Weird. Anyways. We got along like fast friends. Which is weird looking back now, because we had basically nothing in common. You were a musician, artsy type who didn't do sports. And I was an athlete. It doesn't make a lot of sense. I don't know why you changed (or if that's the way you were and I just didn't know it?) that year. You hung out with some weird kids who....were weird.
I knew they weren't a good influence on anyone. Definitely not you. You were so unsure of yourself and very influenceable. Very influenceable. I never told you that, I don't think. And I definitely didn't tell you that that pissed the hell outta me. Still does (not necessarily about you, but people in general - like believe in something and stick with it for goodness sake, gain your own identity already).
I am not sure if it was always in you or if they introduced it to you, but you changed. Your interests changed from whatever it was we did (we wrote a fictional book about our lives, had sleepovers and talked about taco...haha remember that? So dreamy in a piss you off can't stand him kind of way). You did other activities and you began to cut yourself (or is it self harm these days?). Regardless, I didn't get it. I couldn't understand. I knew it was not a good use of anyone's time. It made me royally uncomfortable. I even went to the school psychologist. And told my mom. She was fairly good friend with your mom b/c our siblings were similar ages and friends and whatnot.
I gave you chances. I told you to stop and figure some stuff out. You kept up with those friends. You kept cutting. I told you again (or maybe not). I know that I gave you an ultimatum and said if I found out you were still doing it, that I was done. I couldn't handle the second hand stress you were exposing me to.
Looking back I would handle it differently. But I have almost 10 years more life experience now so it isn't really fair to my 13 year old self. I still don't know why that all happened.
After that we really did end our friendship. I ended our relationship, I guess. We were still civil and spoke and were friendly acquaintances, but our antics and sleepovers and secret sharing stopped. You stayed friends with those weirdos for a while - did theater with them. One of them ended up killing himself, if I remember correctly. Seeing it now, I think that was the fate I feared for you and so removed myself from the potential pain before it became a reality.
Then in high school, I left to a different school for 11th grade and rumors flew that you had sex with the aforementioned individual we dubbed taco. Even though we weren't friends at that point I was pretty disappointed, one because it was totally believable and I thought it was true (I still have NO idea if it is or not and I don't really care), and two because you knew how I felt about him (or in my head you did...again, looking back I see there was no reason for you to think that my feelings that began in 8th grade had continued for 3 years). You broke girl code, if that exists.
I had just learned that you were always going to disappoint me. I would always have this idea of what you could be in my mind. That person was awesome. But you got further and further from it as time passed. Yet again, in hindsight, I was self-righteous and unforgiving. I was unfair to you. I had no real reason to expect you to be anything other than what you were/are.
I am sorry. We have grown up and grown apart. I left Utah and you left Utah for college. We don't talk and haven't since 10th or 11th grade. Now I am married and you are married. You seem happy, healthy and normal as anyone is.
Maybe that twisted winding path was the one you needed to end up in a good place. I am sorry for the judgement and abandonment. I was wrong in a lot that I did.
I know I am recalling this through the faded memories of 10 years, but I think it is mostly accurate. Again, I am sorry.
Kylee
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