A Letter I Will Never Send

Assignment 1: Write a letter you will never send.

Hello,

It's me. I was wondering if after all this time you'd like to read this letter I am writing you. Well too bad b/c I ain't sending it. I am writing it for my blog.

It's been a while. This is actually hard even though I know you will never read this. We used to be friends. I'd like to say I don't really know what happened, but I think I do. We met in what, 8th grade? Is that when you started at my school? Or was it earlier. It seems earlier, but I think it might have been 8th grade. I'll go look at a yearbook to see...hold on.

Ok, I am back. Yeah. 8th grade. Weird. Anyways. We got along like fast friends. Which is weird looking back now, because we had basically nothing in common. You were a musician, artsy type who didn't do sports. And I was an athlete. It doesn't make a lot of sense. I don't know why you changed (or if that's the way you were and I just didn't know it?) that year. You hung out with some weird kids who....were weird.

I knew they weren't a good influence on anyone. Definitely not you. You were so unsure of yourself and very influenceable. Very influenceable. I never told you that, I don't think. And I definitely didn't tell you that that pissed the hell outta me. Still does (not necessarily about you, but people in general - like believe in something and stick with it for goodness sake, gain your own identity already).

I am not sure if it was always in you or if they introduced it to you, but you changed. Your interests changed from whatever it was we did (we wrote a fictional book about our lives, had sleepovers and talked about taco...haha remember that? So dreamy in a piss you off can't stand him kind of way). You did other activities and you began to cut yourself (or is it self harm these days?). Regardless, I didn't get it. I couldn't understand. I knew it was not a good use of anyone's time. It made me royally uncomfortable. I even went to the school psychologist. And told my mom. She was fairly good friend with your mom b/c our siblings were similar ages and friends and whatnot.

I gave you chances. I told you to stop and figure some stuff out. You kept up with those friends. You kept cutting. I told you again (or maybe not). I know that I gave you an ultimatum and said if I found out you were still doing it, that I was done. I couldn't handle the second hand stress you were exposing me to.

Looking back I would handle it differently. But I have almost 10 years more life experience now so it isn't really fair to my 13 year old self. I still don't know why that all happened.

After that we really did end our friendship. I ended our relationship, I guess. We were still civil and spoke and were friendly acquaintances, but our antics and sleepovers and secret sharing stopped. You stayed friends with those weirdos for a while - did theater with them. One of them ended up killing himself, if I remember correctly. Seeing it now, I think that was the fate I feared for you and so removed myself from the potential pain before it became a reality.

Then in high school, I left to a different school for 11th grade and rumors flew that you had sex with the aforementioned individual we dubbed taco. Even though we weren't friends at that point I was pretty disappointed, one because it was totally believable and I thought it was true (I still have NO idea if it is or not and I don't really care), and two because you knew how I felt about him (or in my head you did...again, looking back I see there was no reason for you to think that my feelings that began in 8th grade had continued for 3 years). You broke girl code, if that exists.

I had just learned that you were always going to disappoint me. I would always have this idea of what you could be in my mind. That person was awesome. But you got further and further from it as time passed. Yet again, in hindsight, I was self-righteous and unforgiving. I was unfair to you. I had no real reason to expect you to be anything other than what you were/are.

I am sorry. We have grown up and grown apart. I left Utah and you left Utah for college. We don't talk and haven't since 10th or 11th grade. Now I am married and you are married. You seem happy, healthy and normal as anyone is.

Maybe that twisted winding path was the one you needed to end up in a good place. I am sorry for the judgement and abandonment. I was wrong in a lot that I did.

I know I am recalling this through the faded memories of 10 years, but I think it is mostly accurate. Again, I am sorry.

Kylee

Losing your faith is not "brave"

Do you know what really chaps my khakis?

When people writing touching blog posts to tell the world how they so bravely lost their faith and left the church that was holding their minds captive.

What a load of horseshit, people.

That is not brave. Letting doubt overcome is not brave. They're all idiots. IDIOTS.

Now, I am not saying that the LDS Church or any church is worth staying in. I am not saying that you can't lose your faith/trust/belief in a church (a manmade entity). But to lose your FAITH. Like the actual thing that is inside of you and makes your life purposeful.

It seems pretty darn clear to me that God doesn't care what "church" you are baptized in or attend every Sunday. He is far more concerned with what "church" you are a member of in your heart.

53 And who overcome by faith, and are sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise, which the Father sheds forth upon all those who are just and true.

54 They are they who are the church of the Firstborn.

So when you lose that faith that God gave you because you let doubt overpower everything else, you are not brave. You didn't come out of a brainwashed stupor. You were weak and did not rely on God to lift you. You let that manmade entity destroy you. *claps* Good work, soldier.

Good thing God is merciful and we get to do this over and over again until we get it right.

1 Year Anniversary

Today is our first wedding anniversary. It has gone by faster than any year in my life probably. So fast.

**Thank you Lindsay Ross for coming out of wedding photography retirement for me and doing our wedding pics!! **

We were talking this morning and had a hard time figuring out what we've even done for the last 365 days...

We came up with some things that we remember.

We went on a Christmas Cruise to the Caribbean.

We bought a trailer and fixed it up.

He worked firefighting over the summer. 

I got into grad school and started my MPH program.

I worked as a CNA.

He started school again in January.

We went to Boise, ID to visit my sister. 

We went to St. George the day we got married. 

We camped in the backyard for a while in the tent my aunt gave us for our wedding. 

We had a brunch reception that was the greatest thing ever, if I may say so myself.

**Thank you Megan Klindt Photography for the reception photos!!**

We drove each other bonkers a million times.

We tried a piña colada in Mexico. ew

He's gotten sick about 3 times. I've gotten sick about 1 time (not including cruise sea sickness).

I worked as a tutor and lacrosse coach for a school here.

We've watched a lot of movies.

We started LOST on Netflix.

We fought over bed space probably 200 nights of those 365.

We planted and grew a garden.

He is learning how to make fried eggs without popping the yolks. 

We ate a lot of macaroni and cheese. 

We've started doing P90X Yoga. <-- killer

He missed out on some great family vacays b/c of work. 

He's done some fishing with gpa. 

We've named all of our unborn children....jk, but we have noted our fave names as they have appeared.

We got a hamster named Noel. 

He bought a Harley...and is selling it :)

I went to Chicago for the annual American Public Health Association conference.

We've grown a million % over the last year.



TBCH this first year has not been easy or even that fun sometimes. Marriage takes a lot of adjusting and it was completely miserable and was basically the worst thing ever at times throughout the last year. But it was all worth and and hopefully it is true that the first year is the hardest haha..

But for all the suckiness and misery, I wouldn't change anything about this. I know that my partner is the best for me and that anyone else would have made a run for it. He is perfection for me.

Happy 1st Anniversary my love!

Why can't parents let their kids learn?

This kills me:


http://pintsizedtreasures.com/games-my-kids-are-not-allowed-to-play/

Here is my mom's response to that:


http://thisiswhatwecallablog.blogspot.com/2016/02/s-i-let-my-kids-and-their-friends-do.html