This is the story of Noel.
I started graduate school the end of August 2015. By about October 1st, 2015, I was over school. It was not at all what I expected, I was not enjoying the stuff I was learning. I was unhappy. Because I didn't think I should quit school, I had to find another way to solve my problem. So I got a hamster.
My husband was so sick of me moping around being sad that he immediately agreed. So we went to the pet store, picked out a cage, food, shavings and finally a hamster. As the lady was handing us hamsters to hold and see if it felt right (or something), I dropped one of them. They are so super speedy and so dang small that they just slip right outta your palm. Well this one hit the hard floor and sort of seemed stunned. I figured "you break it you buy it" right? So we bought her! The lady at the store did say that if she seemed damaged from that fall we could bring her back.
Anyways, the one we chose was a Winter White hamster. These hamsters are native to Mongolia and as their name indicates, they turn from grey to white during the winter for camouflage. It is so cool! So we chose her and the woman says, these hamsters are prone to diabetes, so don't feed her lots of sugary treats. I'm thinking, "I don't know if I am ready for a diabetic hamster, but the little tag says "beginner level" hamster and I dropped her, so I think I have to go with this..." So we go to the cashier.
As we are checking out, the woman looks at the shavings I chose and says, did she tell you about these shavings? I say no and she says that these little hamsters can also get something like asthma so you want unscented gentle shavings. At this point I'm wondering if I can handle a diabetic, asthmatic hamster but I go and switch shaving brands and we spend something like $80 on a hamster, hamster cage, shavings, food, and toys. Not a bad price for happiness through graduate school.
We were living at my parents so as we drive home I am planning how to sneak this hamster into the house in between a discussion about what to name her. Because she is a Winter White and it's turning to winter we are thinking of wintery names and we decide on Noel. I think it is perfect. We plan to walk in through the garage door instead of the front door and just sneak her down into the guest area of the basement where she will stay with us. We plan that in a few months, we will reveal that we have had a hamster and everyone will laugh. Well as we are walking from the garage into the house, my parents are walking from the house to the garage.
It is super hard to hide a big hamster cage box behind your back. I think the exchange went something like this:
Kylee: "She's a therapy animal for me!"
Dad: "Is that an animal?!"
Christopher: "It’s a coping mechanism"
Kylee: "You'll never even know she's here! And also, you haven't even seen her yet. She is so cute!!!"
They were fine with it, and Noel even lived in the kitchen for her whole life so everyone could enjoy her. She even stayed in the kitchen when I found another cage to add on to hers for only $7 at Savers! So that is two hamster cages, connected by a little tube for one tiny animal the size of a golf ball, sitting on the kitchen counter for over a year.
Throughout the next year, she did her job perfectly. Anytime I was so annoyed with school or frustrated with my homework I would just play with little Noel. Sometimes all I had to do was look at her and I felt better.
She was such a little character. Every time I filled up her food bowl she would immediately shove 75% of it in her cheeks, walk into her little blue igloo that she loved, and spit all of the food out. She would also climb the bars of her house so that you could scratch her belly through the slots. Everyone loved her. She was a favorite.
Fast forward to November 2016. We liked to let her run around in her little plastic ball in our living room because there is a step leading into it, meaning she can't roll out of it. Well my husband decided to let her run around one day in the ball in the living room and then sort of forgot about her. That could be fine, but the lid of the little ball can come loose and then fall off as she runs around.
Well, this did happen and we went into the living room about 4 hours after my husband had put her there to find an empty hamster ball. She can climb up the step out of the living room and so I thought she was gone. I thought she had just run her little self into one of the nooks and crannies of the house and I'd never see her again. I was so sad. In a display of dramatic emotion I dropped to my knees and cried. I was so sad. We looked and looked and I even brought my dog, Mowgli, in the house and said find Noel! We looked and looked for about 20 minutes but couldn't find her.
I looked in one last place, behind a couch in the living room. We put our violins, guitars and our bags with music in them behind this couch. So I lift up one of the bags that is leaning against a violin and there she is. Noel had found a little space to curl up and sleep. She was just taking a nap under this bag. When I lifted up the bag, she was so surprised that she raised her head looking up at this sudden bright light and just tumbled backwards onto her back. It was the cutest thing I have ever seen and I was so happy.
In wondering why I was so sad, I realized that, selfishly, I still had about a month left of school and I needed her to be here for that. All hope of me finishing my graduate degree was tied to this little ball of fur. She was the only way I could accomplish this task. I think she understood this with a perfect knowledge. She knew that her job was to be my friend, my companion until I had finished graduate school.
Fast forward again to December 13th, the Tuesday of finals week. I have just a few days left until I have earned my masters degree. I woke up as usual, and greeted her in the kitchen as I always do. I noticed that she was acting weird. Her eyes were half shut and she was hunched over like her stomach hurt. I looked at her food and it was totally full from when I filled it the day before. I got kind of worried, but had to get going with my day so I said hello, I love you, I'll be back to check on you.
By the time I got back Tuesday night, she was not doing well. She seemed worse. I took her out of her cage, got a hot pad, some apple sauce to try and get her to eat. She was not doing well. I cried and I cried. She seemed so miserable, but that was not the reason I was crying. Selfishly, I needed her to stick around. I had a final the next morning and I wasn't going to do well if she wasn't alive. By the time I went to bed on Tuesday, I thought I would wake up to little Noel, no longer alive in her cage. The thought terrified me, but I told her that if she needed to let go of this life that she could. She didn't need to stick around for me, that I would be ok. I think she knew that I wouldn't be ok, so she kept fighting.
Wednesday morning, I got up as usual and went about my business in the kitchen, refusing to look in the cage. I couldn't bear it. As I was going about, I saw a little head peek out of her igloo. I was so relieved. She was still alive. She still seemed miserable, but I was so glad she was alive. Now I would do fine on my final! I went and did do well on my final.
When I got back on Wednesday night, I was done with finals. I had completed everything I had to do. Noel was still alive and seemed ok. I had done everything I could to help her tummy feel better, but she wasn't getting better. She wouldn't eat, wouldn't drink. It was breaking my heart. Now I knew I was done with finals and she could be done. She had accomplished her task. She knew before I did that I was not done.
Turns out, I had one last thing to do. I got an email from a professor about a problem with a final I had turned in on Tuesday that I could fix. I hadn't decided whether or not I would fix it, since I could fail the final and still pass the class. Not a good mindset, but there you have it. I put it off, not sure if I would do it. All the while Noel stayed sick. She got a little better Friday morning, eating the apple sauce voluntarily, and moving more freely around her cage. I had high hopes that she would get better, but when I got home Friday afternoon, she had deteriorated again. I asked myself, “Why hasn’t she died? Why is she still fighting?” It was breaking my heart.
The only thing I could think to do was to fix that final. I had to do that, so that Noel could pass on. So Saturday, I took Noel and put her next to me as I typed out the missing part of my final. She stayed with me as I worked on it and about an hour later I was done. She was so weak at this point, and she wouldn’t open her eyes at all. I pretty much held onto her all day long. Just keeping her cupped against my belly as I read, watched TV, made macaroni and cheese. I told her that I was thankful for all that she had done for me. I was thankful that she fought so hard to stay with me so that I could finish that last, unforeseen final. I told her she was the reason I could get through graduate school. I just kept wondering if, now that I was done with my graduate school path, she would pass on.
In 8th grade, you learn about the idea of dharma. This is the idea of your duty, you reason for being. It is the reason you exist in this time and place. Even though I don’t think I ever explicitly told my hamster that she was helping me through school, she knew it. She sensed it. Because she understood her dharma, she held on for 5 horrible days during her sickness so that she could, absolutely and completely, fulfill her purpose. Between 8:30 and 9:00 pm that saturday night, Noel passed away, snuggled in my hand.
I aspire to be like Noel. She suffered, she struggled until the last moment so that she could do her duty. I want to first, know what my duty is in this life and second, to do that until my last breath.
