Dear Sir,

Dear Sir,

I am sorry. I am sorry for whatever circumstances lead you to this place. I am sorry for the infinite decisions that brought you to this one. I am sorry for the way you have lived your life. I am sorry if someone took away your agency and you could not gain it back. I am sorry for the way your life has played out.

How did it make sense? How could this fulfill the dreams you had for yourself? How could you remove so many good things from this earth in such as short time? How do you feel now? Do you just not think about it? How else could you proceed with the things you have planned to do? Where are your parents?

Do you even know the man whose bidding you are doing? Do you know those you serve with? Do you feel kinship? Do you know the rewards or consequences you will receive because of your actions? Do you understand anything of this? Didn't you have an infinite number of alternatives?

What is the appeal? What draws you to this life? What makes this worth it? Do you know you are rewriting the history books? Do you know you are creating national holidays? Do you know the men and women who feel your wrath? I don't understand, Sir.

I do understand this though. When your time comes to leave this life, you will meet your Maker. You will have to account for the infinite decisions you made. I am sure not all of them will bring your damnation. You can't have been that lost, Sir. But, some will bring your damnation and you will have to carry that burden until you are given another chance. Like others felt your wrath, you will feel the wrath of your Maker who had such hopes for you. Hopes of creation and lifting, not destruction and decay. You will meet those who felt your wrath while you had your agency and you will listen to their stories. You will listen to the experiences you forced upon them and you will carry that burden until you are given another chance.

Sir, it wasn't worth it,

Me

It's a good thing I don't have Facebook

Ok team, I have realized that it is a darn good thing that I do not have Facebook or Tumblr or Twitter or Instagram or any of these other "social" media dealies.

When I had Twitter and Facebook 3+ years ago, I was not nearly as knowledgable, confident, or intolerant of idiocy, ignorance, sexism, grammar delinquents as I am now. Therefore, I was a very polite and passive social media user.

Today it is a different story. Boy, is it a different story. I think I have just given myself a lifelong ban on "social" media dealies. Because I would spend way too much time trying to correct the problems of society as they are manifested by ignoramuses online.

I do not tolerate sexism. I do not tolerate incorrect grammar
**I know people make typos and that is AOKAY - nobody's perfect**
I do not tolerate ignorance. I do not tolerate ingenuineness (I know that isn't a word). I can't handle it. People cannot be doofuses their entire lives (according to me) and who the F is going to stop them from being a doofus? If I had "social" media, it would defs be me. I would correct the bejeezuz out of all of them. I would make my opinion so known it would be outrageous.

So all you idiots, ignorants, sexists, doofuses of the "social" media world: Thank your lucky stars I am not a part of your world.

Where I am at now

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck

I am halfway sorry if I offended you with that

that is where I am at. So many things are shfga;hsfkgjbas;kuegf

I just started a graduate degree program at BYU Provo and I hate it. I dont like what I am learning I dont like what the program is training me to do. And like hello? didn't I choose this program because i was interested in it. Yes stupid i did. 

But what i didn't realize was that everything about public health is political. You can't do anything of any importance without involving a law or government of some kind. why? because no one cares. no one will do anything unless legally required. bc people are the worst. well a lot of people are the worst. and mostly when i say people i mean the collective people - no particular individual ya know?

like smoking. Who the F smokes anymore? a lot of people. Why? who the F knows bc everyone and their unborn children know that smoking is one of the worst things you can do to your body. and yet, so many people still smoke. so we pass laws that keep people of certain ages from smoking and keep people from smoking in certain places. oh and btw that doesn't even work. 

smoking rates for underage humans is stupidly high. so there public health. 

its stupid. and if you are poor you will be less healthy than if you were the exact same but rich. so thats stupid. and if you are black or hispanic you will be less healthy than if you were the exact same but white. so thats stupid. and all of these things are society's fault. 

what i have learned is that until we totally restructure society, people will be unhealthy and die earlier. and since i don't have any desire to become president i have limited options. so f that

and graduate school is about research and i dont care about research. and graduate school is about writing articles to be published and i dont care about being published. 

i hate it. but bc of money and a deal ill keep going this semester but if it aint better i swear i am so out of there its ridiculous. 

anyways i guess all of this is really a thank you and appreciation for my best friend bc without him i would be this

instead of just this

(really awesome drawings by the way people)

so thank you love muffin. youre the greatest

Newlywed Nightmares

So in honor of being married for 5 months and having our reception in a couple weeks, I figured I would do some lovely story telling of the nightmares that Christopher and I have gone through since getting married.

So we got married on a Friday in the morning, and went to St. George in the evening for a three day honeymoon. We got there pretty lateish so we pretty much went right to bed. Our two biggest problems presented themselves fairly quickly.

1. Christopher was sick. Like snotty nose, tissues and garbage can by the bedside, mouth breathing all night sick. It was disgusting. He was gross, but in sickness and in health right?  So yeah that was super gross.


2. I don't share my bed easily. Awake or asleep apparently. I was tired so I fell asleep quickly and was out for the night. According to Christopher, this is what happened:

I was asleep and he was awake, mouth breathing I'm sure. I think he tried to snuggle up to me and instead of accepting it, I kicked him, hard, and told him to move over. He got upset thinking I was awake and being mean so he said, "Fine, I was moving over anyways."

He told me this in the morning. I don't remember it at all.



Our biggest problem was sleeping together - as in literally sleeping in the same bed together. I talk in my sleep. A lot. So much that I wake him up and he thinks I am talking to him so he will respond. Well, when he responds he wakes me up and I get pissed because why the heck is he waking me up in the middle of the night to talk to me?!? So annoying. Night time is sleep time, not talk time.

One night, I screamed bloody murder in my sleep. Like horror story stuff. Christopher was so freaked out so he started shouting my name. Shouting at a sleeping person, can you imagine? Geez. So he yells me awake and of course, I got angry at him for waking me up.

I also am very aggressive in my sleep. I sort of abuse him a lot. He gets too close and my (sleeping) self will physically remove him from my half of the bed. Kicking, pushing, punching. I have done it all to him during the night.

Another thing I do is move. A lot. One night, I was possessed and started to bob my head up and down on the pillow, counting with each rise and fall. I mean that is creepy. So creepy. My husband thought I was possessed for like three days. I honestly felt bad for that one.

It took like 3 months before we could get a good night's sleep after being married. Luckily, we have mostly worked that out and the nightly domestic abuse has lessened and as far as I know, he is used to me talking all the time.

It drives him crazy though because he wants me to remember what I am dreaming or why I am talking, but I never remember my dreams. He remembers all of his dreams.

I say he should just be happy I am not beating him up anymore. :)